Provide and conquer.

Music.

2012-01-28T22:43:00.000-05:00

It is really saving my life right now. Is it crazy to love music this much? I can't really live without it when I'm doing okay, now that I'm struggling I feel like it is saving my life. The past few nights I was having trouble sleeping so I put my cd player next to my bed and let Eric Hutchinson sing me to sleep. Thank you Eric Hutchinson. So thankful for music. Grateful to have found my old CD case with so many great artists in it. Dancing, singing, these are a couple of my favorite things to do. Music is so important to me. Am I the only one that feels that way? Am I addicted to music? Is someone going to tell me to get in a 12-step program because I enjoy music too much? Just wondering.

"I could have another you in a minute."

2012-01-28T22:23:00.001-05:00

"And in fact, he'll be here in a minute." I did have another man in a minute. I didn't necessarily want him but he popped up the very next day after Meatball and I called it quits. (Like 12 hours later or something, really.) I talked to him every day for about a week. Then one of my best friends told me he had just messaged her on facebook that same week. I was like, "not cool." And ignored all his texts after that. For quite a while. Finally one day when he texted to ask how I was doing, I responded. I told him I was pissed that he was trying to pick up my friend on fb at the same time he was talking to me. He said, "Well, not really, I just said hi." I guess so. She emailed me the message he had sent that week and some other messages he had sent a while back. It's nice to have someone who texts me every day to ask how I'm doing. It's nice to have someone who is concerned about HOW I am doing, not WHAT I am doing. It's nice to have someone who talks TO ME, NOT ABOUT ME. There could never be any future in it, I know him too well. I wish I could fall for someone who I could have a future with. I did fall for someone, but it turned out that his future plans did not include me. I started to fall apart and he ran. Then I really fell apart and he ran farther and faster. I don't blame him. I was nuts. But I'm sane now. Today I am over him. But tomorrow I might not be. I never know from day to day. I really thought I knew his heart. I thought I knew him. But I'm not sure that I did. I miss him though. At least I have California. (As I will call my long-distance guy-friend in California.) It's nice to have someone who cares...or at least acts like they do.

Medicine.

2012-01-28T21:03:00.002-05:00

A certain person said that they would stop talking about me behind my back if I would stop talking about them behind their back. Wow. Turns out giving someone a taste of their own medicine sometimes works. Yeah, people in glass houses should definitely not throw stones.

Rockin' out!

2012-01-28T19:09:00.002-05:00

Haha. Enjoying horrifying my kids by puttin' on a show. Singing to the spatula that I cooked them pancakes with for dinner (yeah, I'm THAT kind of mom). Rockin' out man! Haha. I love being a retard. Just waitin' on some clothes to finish washing. Dishes are done, the kids "fort" is cleaned up and put away. Now Jay is building a fort in a different room. Don't think I'll be in bed by 8pm like I was last night, but yeah. 9pm for sure. What an exciting life I lead.

Rollin'!!!

I can totally rock out to this song. You would love it trust me. You would laugh your ass off. I got told at work that I would never make the pop charts and to not quit my day job (It's okay, I tease her back). Another person said it was like Comedy Central when I was at work. Haha. You should see me at HOME! Glad to stay away from love songs. Although I do have this darling friend at work who loves to sing this song except that she is so darn cute and sweet that she sings, "I'm gonna write you a love song."

I'm like, "It's 'I'm NOT gonna write you a love song.'" Haha. And when she told me she was going on break the other day or asked me something (bad memory) I told her, "Well, I'm not gonna write you a love song." And she said, "'Cause I need one? 'Cause I asked for it?" Love her. I would write her a love song. Haha.

Songs of the moment.

2012-01-28T18:30:00.002-05:00

I love YouTube. And I learned this little phrase from a blog I follow:

"If someone says "I love you" and you don't feel the same way, just say "I love YouTube" really fast."

The Beatles song I'm listening to for some reason is making me miss this song:

I don't know why, but I have always LOVED this song! I might have the CD somewhere. Have to check it out...

Q69.

2012-01-28T15:40:00.001-05:00

If you're not familiar with medical terminology, let me inform you that "Q" means "every." For example, Q8hrs = every 8 hours. So when I first read the title from the passive aggressive notes blog post I laughed! God, how I miss sex. Don't see anyone I'd be willing to do it with though, so...too bad for me. But yeah, for a good laugh, go here.
I loved the comments too. I loved the guy who said that Q69 was obviously the sexiest bus route. Well hells yes!
And P.S. if you don't know what 69 is, you disgust me and should stay away from my blog!

My slutty scrubs.

2012-01-28T15:09:00.000-05:00

I have two scrub tops that I bought for $7.99 apiece at Burlington coat factory. I just couldn't resist scrub tops for that cheap. Pretty quickly, I realized that they were a bit too low cut. My cleavage showed, my "titty tat" showed. Not classy. Not classy at all. So I still wear them...but only on weekends (no bosses around, lol). I wear a tank top underneath but today it didn't want to stay up and I was running around crazy this morning as complete chaos broke out (as it always does on weekends). So to all the people at *insert name of SNF here*, you are welcome. Yeah, so like I said, weekends are always chaos. I don't mind working weekends as far as, I don't have much of anything better to do, but I don't like working them just for the fact that they are always chaos. So we started out with 5 CNAs. Then one called, her car had broken down and she had been giving one of the other CNAs a ride. Down two CNAs. I redid the run sheets. Then another was a no-call, no-show and another came from a different unit and they called her back. Down to one CNA. Not cool. One nurse got on the phone to the other unit and said, "I know we need that CNA more than you do." Got one back. The one who had been getting a ride called. I told her if she got a cab I would pay for it. Then I looked in my wallet. Five dollars. Crap. I went to the little ATM down the hall. The door to it was locked. Called security, they didn't have a key. One nurse said she had cash in the car, then came back later and said, "I have three dollars." CRAP. I RAN full speed to my car and drove to the ATM at the gas station. Got $20 out. Gave it to the guys at the front desk, said, "This is for a girl who shows up in a cab." She shows up on the unit, "It costs $35." CRAP! I ask around, "Does ANYONE have some cash to pitch in for this cab?" Nope. No cash. I take my five dollars and the other nurse's three dollars and go to the front desk. "Do either of you security guys have seven dollars? Any cash at all?" One pulled out some cash. I don't even know who it was...don't know his name, but I now owe him seven dollars... But at least we were up to three CNAs. One girl from night shift stayed for a few hours and helped. I was a little late getting my meds done, but they got done. Didn't get out too late. Everything worked out okay. Overall it was an okay day. I think work helps keep me sane. Keeps my mind off things that I don't want to think about. So it was probably a good thing that I worked my day off. Now I've gotta try to clean my house some and do some laundry. Gotta keep busy. Keep my mind off backstabbers and losses in my life... I'll be okay. I'm up and down. Today I'm somewhere in between up and down.

My day off.

2012-01-27T15:58:00.005-05:00

I wound up working. I had a great day though. The last few days had been really rough. Yesterday I was at the lowest of the low. Today I laughed, I hugged, I kissed, I joked, I danced, I sang. One lady told me I was the silliest person God ever made. I told her that was a compliment. I do take that as a compliment. Light-hearted, kind, fun, laid-back, easy-going, loving, trusting, caring. That is me. I have been having a rough time lately but I think it has brought out more compassion in me. I have day shift down to a science and have actually finished my work a half hour early the last couple days, so I have spent time sitting in my residents' rooms and talking to them. They need that. They need attention. They need to feel that someone cares. I have been getting one fella to take his meds when he had been refusing them for weeks. I think it's because I sit there and talk to him while he takes them. He needs to be talked to. He needs to be treated like a human being. Yesterday I sat and talked to a lady who often acts out, for quite a while. She told me that she wished she would just die. I was sad yesterday. I just joined her in her sadness. I told her, "Well, we'll all get our turn." Today she said the same thing, but I was happy. I told her, "But we'd miss you too much!" "But nobody even likes me." "Well I like you." Got a new patient today. Very confused. I was afraid he would fall and my shift was over, so I sat in his room with him. I talked to him and reassured him. He reminded me of my dad a lot. His looks, his voice. I will care for him just like I would my own father. Love. Compassion. I am full of it. I was glad to be happy today and be able to share that with the people around me. People enjoy being around me. I love my old folks so much. And they love me. What's not to love? I'm great. Now I better go share my love and compassion and patience with my kids.

And I was worried...

2012-01-26T18:55:00.001-05:00

I was more worried about Jason than I was about myself for a long time. Well it turns out that he has found somebody already. I'm glad. We are on good terms and there is no reason for us not to be. I'll learn to be happy on my own and maybe someday I'll find somebody who makes me happy. I had somebody who made me happy, but lost him. I am really grieving that loss. I miss him. I wish I didn't, but I do. We had some really good times. He was a good friend. He was full of advice. I miss that.

Repeat. Replay. Remind.

2012-01-26T18:19:00.002-05:00

Reminding myself.

I told you.

2012-01-26T17:55:00.001-05:00

My session with my therapist today was filled with long stretches of silence. I told her that I didn't feel listened to and pointed out how when I told her my divorce was final she said, "But he just left two weeks ago." Wrong. He left three months ago. Then soon after that she was talking about how I had been busy "raising four kids." Um, wrong again. Make that five. Not impressed. She doesn't give a shit about me. The advice she gives is common sense and nothing that I don't already know. Not that she gives a lot of advice. I'd be better off sitting and talking to a wall for an hour once a week. I told her I didn't want to make another appointment to see her, that I had to "think about it." Yeah, I thought about it. I won't be wasting my time and my $25 copay with her again. I know that therapy can be helpful, it helped me once before. But this is not helping me.

Pain. Agony.

2012-01-26T14:18:00.002-05:00

That is what my life has become. It feels hard to stand, my arms feel like dead weight. Holding my head up feels hard. I want to lay down and not get up until this pain is gone. Misery. I just hurt. Emotionally and physically. I can tell everyone at work feels sorry for me. I feel sorry for making them feel sorry. I wish I could just get over it. Just had so many losses lately that I hardly know what to do.

Circus acts.

2012-01-25T19:00:00.001-05:00

Didn't I say my life was full of them? So my therapist's office called to confirm my appointment. I said, "I don't really want to see the same therapist. Can I see this other one that someone recommended to me?" The receptionist said, "Sure. I have to ask my director and call you back with an appointment to see the other person." Phone rang a while later. I thought, "Oh, it's the receptionist calling to make me a new appointment with the other person." Nope. Surprise! It was the therapist I've been seeing. She basically begged me to keep seeing her. Really? I mean, is it me or is that bizarre? I told her that I didn't feel like our sessions were very productive, that I was just sitting around rehashing things that I'd talked about so much I couldn't stand it. She said she would change, we could do things differently...??? Okay. I am not very assertive or I would have just said, "No. Let me see the other therapist." ???????????? Crazy, bizarre, circus acts. This is my life.

January 24, 2012.

2012-01-24T22:34:00.001-05:00

So I texted Jason today. I told him I hadn't taken the class that was required for our divorce to be final. He said it was too late to take it. I asked him what effect that had on the divorce. He said, "Nothing. We are divorced already. Today as a matter of fact." Interesting. So today is the day. Tomorrow will be my first day as a divorced woman. I better get used to the phrase "ex-husband" now. I talked to my older sons. And then I cried. I miss them. I haven't cried much. But talking to them did it to me. They are okay with their dad. He is a good father. I'll be okay. I'll adjust to being a single parent, to not having all of my children with me, to the children I have with me not having a father around. We'll be okay. Goodbye Jason. We will remain friends, I am sure of it. He is not a bad person. I wish my feelings for him hadn't changed, but they did. We had become such different people. I still feel that I chose a good father for my children. We will all be okay.

Magical.

2012-01-24T21:53:00.000-05:00

That's how my evening was. Went to a meeting. Smiled all the way home. Shannen went with me. At the end we each picked up a card that caught our eye. Each card had a quote on it. This was mine:

"I see myself attracting only those in harmony with my current intent. And I am getting clearer and clearer in every moment about what it is that I want. It matters not what others are choosing...what is important is that I am pleased with me; and as I see myself, I certainly am." ~Esther and Jerry Hicks

I am an amazing person. I'll be okay. I don't know if I know exactly what I want out of life right now. I feel like I am floundering. But I'll figure it out. And I will get everything that I want out of life.

I'll be okay.

2012-01-24T15:00:00.000-05:00

Is that what you want me to say?

It's what I want to believe.

Toys R Us Times Square.

2012-01-23T19:54:00.000-05:00

We had fun there. We went on the Ferris Wheel in the Toy Story 2 car.

I bought the kids each one of these Squirmles. I didn't know there was a string attached to it and I even played with one at the store. I thought it moved from static electricity or something...until Danny told me. Haha.

I figured that out when we were eating here:

Yeah, that's us in the limo. Not. :)

That's funny.

2012-01-23T16:27:00.002-05:00

I keep thinking about how when I was in Idaho everyone got pissed that I flirted because I was married. Now I'm getting a divorce and people get pissed off if I look at a guy. Yeah, so I haven't been looking. Not talking to anyone of the opposite gender. I guess I'm not allowed.

Good grief.

2012-01-23T15:14:00.001-05:00

Grieving. That is what I'm doing. Grieving all sorts of losses in my life. Spewing out all kinds of crazy in the process. Please be kind to me world. Don't kick me when I'm down.

I knew it!

2012-01-22T21:06:00.001-05:00

I freaking knew that I had missed my calling in life!!! I was meant to be a taxi driver in New York City!!! Danny "hired a car" to take us to the train station from his place. It wasn't actually a yellow NYC taxi which I have seen bazillions of, but never been in. It was some crazy dude in a minivan. He was driving like a maniac, no blinker, honking at everybody. I knew it! That is my dream job! That is how I drive! New mission: Find out how to become a taxi driver in NYC! LOL.

Danny's.

2012-01-22T16:53:00.003-05:00

He didn't like my current favorite band, Foster the People. This is his favorite band.

I believe you, Eric Hutchinson.

2012-01-22T16:40:00.003-05:00

I deserve the best.

The sights, the sounds, the smells.

2012-01-22T15:38:00.001-05:00

I remember the first time I ever rode the subway. It was with my grandma. I was around the same age Maudie is now. The thing that I remembered the most was THE SMELL. When we stepped off the train at Grand Central Station, the first thing Maudie said was, "What is that smell?" Haha. Like mother, like daughter. Having a good day. Went to Times Square. Rode the ferris wheel in Toys 'R' Us, shopped a little. Sitting at Danny's right now. Feeling like a nap... Not a very good houseguest...

P.S. I love to embarrass my daughter in public. Yeah, she didn't really like it when I said, "I'll dance on this pole," speaking about the pole on the subway that we were both holding onto. And then I started to do it. LOL. I fucking love being me. I'm nuts. Fun-nuts. Glad to be myself again.

My ass.

2012-01-22T07:31:00.002-05:00

Hahahaha. I bought this new pair of jeans at DEB when I went shopping with Kelly in the mall. The kids are getting ready and I keep looking at my ass in the mirror and saying, "Geez, my ass looks GREAT in these jeans." haha. I make myself laugh. Glad I'm wearing a short sweatshirt so everyone can see how great my ass looks in these jeans. Best $14.99 ever spent! LOL.

Six didn't happen.

2012-01-22T06:46:00.002-05:00

Hit my snooze alarm three times. But I'm up, gonna have some delicious and nutritious Pepto-Bismol for breakfast (because yeah, like I said...) New York City here I come. And I'm bringing three kids to terrorize you too. Taking the world by storm. As soon as I wake up... Hello energy drink.

Six.

2012-01-21T20:45:00.001-05:00

I'm into numbers today. Six is the number of loads of laundry I did today and still have to put away. Six is the number of loads of laundry I would still have to do to be completely caught up (not gonna happen). Blankets and etc did not get washed. Necessities only. Socks, towels, clothes. Six is the time I plan to get up in the morning and head to Brooklyn. Six. The number of the day.

This blog post has been brought to you by Sesame Street. (Not really).

BTW, did we ever figure out if Bert and Ernie are a gay couple or not?

It's amazing...

2012-01-21T15:09:00.000-05:00

...what I can find when I clean out under my bed. My music is coming back to me. I was wondering where all my CDs were. I keep saying, "I used to have this CD, I used to have that CD." (Yeah, I'm old-fashioned like that, sorry.) So I found this case full of CDs when I was cleaning out under my bed. I had found a small case with a few in it the other day. I actually found an Everlast CD in my kitchen drawer right after I posted an Everlast song on my blog. Been listening to that for days. Then I was listening to Ozzy Osbourne when I found my whole case. I'm listening to my Tracy Chapman CD right now. So exciting. Some CDs in my case(s)?

Cinderella, The Doors, The Eagles, The Beatles, Sheryl Crow, Smashmouth, Shakira, BeeGees, Miles Davis, soundtrack to O Brother Where Art Thou, Paula Cole, Pink, The Doobie Brothers, soundtrack to Grease, Creedence Clearwater Revival, Akon, Eric Clapton, Led Zeppelin, Nelly Furtado, Karyn White, 50 Cent, "Monster Ballads", Red Hot Chili Peppers (I have found like 3 of their CDs), AC/DC, Eric Hutchinson, a bunch of "Now" CDs, Jim Croce, Madonna, Aerosmith, Dire Straits, Amy Winehouse...

Good Lord, I'm in Heaven. I hardly know where to begin!

Where is it?

2012-01-20T18:44:00.000-05:00

Oh, there it is. My bullshit button.

Now where's my Zyrtec?

Songs of the moment.

2012-01-20T15:21:00.000-05:00

Was rocking out to this in Shannen's car last night. Love Gwen Stefani. "This shit is bananas! B-A-N-A-N-A-S!"

Was singing this at work. Love Pink.

Crunchy Songbird.

2012-01-20T15:16:00.001-05:00

So a girl at work called me "honey bun". Then she said, "Because you're sweet and crunchy and cute." I was like, "Wait. Crunchy? I'm crunchy? What are you trying to say?" Haha. Another person called me a songbird because I'm always singing (so glad to have my voice back, I was sick for ages and had no voice).

My first...

2012-01-19T20:34:00.000-05:00

...New York snow. Real snow. Not a lot, but it's nice. Quiet and peaceful. I've always loved the way the snow looks in the headlights of the car at night. Magical.

The soundtrack to my life...

2012-01-19T17:44:00.002-05:00

...is building itself on my blog. Ran across this one. This was my FAVORITE for a LONG TIME!

Take it.

2012-01-19T17:20:00.010-05:00

I had this stuck in my head one day. I was singing it to my sphygmomanometer/ microphone (you'd be amazed how fast I just typed the word sphygmomanometer...I told you I loved that word). Someone said, "That's a country song." I was like, "No!!!" I don't do country. Nuh uh. No way. I was like, "It's Pat Benatar or something." An "older" fella who works there said, "It's Janis Joplin." Whew. That was a close one. I almost thought I was singing a country song (and maybe it is, but not originally).

I don't know where it came from. I always have some song stuck in my head and drive people crazy with my singing it over and over. Today Kelly was like, "How long are you gonna have that song stuck in your head?" I said, "About six hours." Haha. The rest of the shift. It's Adele. I bought her CD a while back and always have "Set Fire to the Rain" in my head.

Turns out Melissa Etheridge can rock that song too!

And okay, Faith Hill had her own version, apparently way back when high-hair and high-waisted jeans were in style...

"The fuck-word."

2012-01-19T17:07:00.002-05:00

I knew it was gonna be a good day because it started out like this: The night shift nurse said, "I hope I don't get written up, because I said the fuck-word in front of that lady." I said, "I like how you don't say 'the f-word' but 'the fuck-word.'" She was taking a drink of water as I said it. That water spewed out of her mouth like a fountain, all over the nurse's station. Haha. I love her. I told her I had been having some tummy troubles. When she left she said, "I thought of you when I went to the bathroom, that toilet doesn't always flush so well." I was like, "Glad I could leave you something to remember me by." Haha. We laughed. People are great. Not all of them, not all of the time, but today they were. A glorious day. (Until I came home to the kids fighting...)

Glorious.

2012-01-19T17:06:00.000-05:00

That was the kind of day I had. I felt JOY. I felt like me. I laughed, I giggled, I smiled, I joked, I danced, I sang, I hugged, I kissed. I laughed about the gossiping that is going on behind my back. I don't care. I laughed about the drama. I am not quite laughing over losing two of the best friends that I had. I thought they were going to be there for me, but no. I am making new friends though. Got paid today. Thought my paycheck would be small, but that holiday pay and sick pay added up. Was bigger than I thought. A lot bigger. Went shopping. Ransacked the mall with Kelly. Retail therapy. Three new pairs of shoes, two new pairs of pants. A dozen pairs of earrings from Claire's, new toy from Spencer's (Yeah, I said it. They do wear out ya know! I've been through a hundred probably. Haha.) Lotion and body spray from Victoria's secret (75% off). Was questioning my last purchase, a sweater from Christopher & Banks which is going out of business, for $9.99. Put it on when I got home...ahhhh...perfection. Best $9.99 ever spent. Can't wait to wear my new Chuck Taylors to work tomorrow. Black ones. Haven't had black ones in a while, thought it was time. And all that for about a hundred and fifty bucks! God, I really know how to shop.

Two-dollar hookers.

2012-01-18T22:13:00.000-05:00

So Shannen took me to a Mary Kay party in Kingston. We were looking for it and I was like, "The only thing I know around here is that bar over there." Shannen said, "There's a bar over there?!" Last week when I had suggested we go to the bar in Saugerties, she was like, "There's a bar in Saugerties?!" Uh, duh. A whole bunch of them. LOL. So after our Mary Kay makeovers I told her we better get a drink at the bar since we looked like two-dollar hookers. Haha. It was dead. Bartender was cute though. Yeah, fond memories of holding my friend's hair back as she puked at that bar...

Just to bore you.

2012-01-18T09:32:00.002-05:00

I love this song.

Meet my brother Matt.

2012-01-17T18:33:00.000-05:00

Yeah, you'll be hard pressed to find him without a tie on. But this picture of him made me smile. Just taken on Christmas. He is two years older than me and always used to beat me up when we were kids. But we've had our good times too. He is married, has four children now. Is a Mechanical Engineer, has an MBA, is a serious penny-pincher, works out, eats right, plays guitar, sings, totally disciplined, super sensible. My opposite. Haha. Glad to catch him in a goofy moment. You'd be hard pressed to find me dressed up (I love scrubs, they're like jammies.) Don't work out, eat junk food, don't pinch pennies. If I have pennies, I'll roll them, take them to the bank and cash them and then spend them! Haha. I'm the goofball and the words disciplined & sensible are not in my vocabulary.

Snow.

2012-01-17T15:19:00.000-05:00

I walked out my door today and found maybe a half an inch (or less) of snow. Roads were clear. Saw about eight snow plows out. Not even sure that there are eight roads in the small town I live in. Heard on the radio that all the schools were on 2-3 hour delays or cancelled. Really? For your quarter inch of snow? This feels like June in Idaho. New Yorkers, I'm sorry, but you are wimps. At least people weren't driving 10 mph on the thruway like I've seen them do in rain storms.

Circadian rhythm.

2012-01-17T15:15:00.003-05:00

Circadia. Sounds like a cross between a circus and an arcade. Sounds like my life right now. Full of strange acts and games that I always lose at. I feel like my moments of insanity are getting shorter and farther between. Hope so anyways. I'll be alright eventually. Am getting used to my new schedule. Am getting a rhythm going at work. Have I mentioned that I rock? I danced and sang at work. I have all this nervous energy. Not really used to it. It's a little bit disturbing, but I buzz around work like a bumblebee, kicking ass and taking names. It's nice to have a routine, to keep busy. If only I didn't have the knots in my stomach and the unwanted thoughts in my head so often. Strange acts. By myself and others. The circus/arcade that is my life. Up and down and round and round. When will this roller coaster ride end? It's making me sick to my stomach, it's making me dizzy. I want my feet on solid ground again. Want my land-legs back.

Glide.

2012-01-16T14:53:00.001-05:00

More drama. Another anxiety attack. A short one. By the time I left work, I was so mellow. I feel like I just CAN NOT CARE about anything right now. Gliding above all the drama, all the problems. Glad to feel this way. So calm. Tired. Calm. Cool. Maybe not collected, but absolutely carefree. Don't even care. About anything.

Note: If you are worried about me, if you care about me, then be there for me. Talk to me, not about me. Yeah, that would make sense right? Don't make drama where there doesn't need to be any. Give me a break right now. I don't have the energy for your drama. Don't make something out of nothing. That would be just fabulous.

Pictures.

2012-01-15T20:11:00.000-05:00

My life has changed and my pictures are changing. Putting away pictures of Jason and I. That part of my life is over. My daughter can't stand to look at them anyway. She flips them over or puts them away where she can't see them. I have dug out more pictures of my friends and I. I framed a pic of Jamie and I in Reno several years ago. She has been my friend for thirty years this year. She is my family. A life partner of some sort. Katrina is too. I went online and ordered copies of pictures of her and I. Ordered more pics of my sister, my nieces, less of Jason, more of other people who have been and are important in my life. Change.

I was handy then.

2012-01-14T22:07:00.003-05:00

Was just thinking about my time working at the hospital. I was handy...I had worked in the lab. You needed a CBC in the middle of the night? No problem, I can draw it, I can run it, here's your result. Rapid strep test? Sure, I've done dozens, I know where they are. I am a talented throat swabber. You need a procedure scheduled? Sure I used to schedule the OR, I can schedule just about anything. You need to know where an NG tube is? Sure I used to stock the OR, I can find it down there (just don't tell them that I didn't change into surgical scrubs to go into the empty OR in the middle of the night). IV poles? Maybe in "short stay" where I once worked. (It's something else now.) Gurney? Shucks, that's easy, used to clean them, put linen on them, maveuver patients on them, no problem. Different size blood pressure cuffs? Pre-op has millions of them. Different size gowns? Endo. Pregnancy test? Pre-op. Extra dynamaps? PACU. Different size masks? OR. Magazines? Surgical waiting room, lab waiting room, X-ray (don't ever tell them it was me stealing their magazines...) It was fun wandering the quiet hospital at night. It was quiet because it was a surgical/OB hospital. We didn't even have an ER. Well, we had one but it wasn't up and functioning yet. It was in the "old" pain clinic. They were always rearranging. They added on while I was there. Wheelchairs? Steal them from L&D. They won't mind. Just don't heat up those bags of IV fluids and put them on OB patients who had had epidurals and couldn't feel that they were having the shit burnt out of them...just letting you know. (It wasn't me! I only worked in L&D one night shift--that's where I met Jeanette. Love her.) And speaking of blanket warmers...I miss them! So many times I think how I would love to put a nice warm blanket on one of my cold little loves where I work now. I used to put one around myself in the middle of cold nights. Ahhh. Heaven. A place to sleep? Let me direct you to the MD lounge in OB with a lovely bed. And...yep, I even remember the code. Need a snack? I can help you with that. Doctor's lounge next to PACU has the best ones. Always has candy. Of course I know the code. Worked at both the urgent cares. Knew those places well. I heard they closed one. It's funny because one guy trained me (my friend Josh who killed himself a couple years ago--miss him). Couple weeks later I was training someone else and because I didn't want to work full-time that guy was soon my boss. Interesting world. Yep, I was handy then. Kinda miss those days. My job is a lot different now. When I left there, I had five patients at a time. I'd get there early and look at each of their charts. H&P, allergies, meds, I knew about them. I went to each one and did a full assessment on them. I monitored their I&Os, I hung IV fluids, I pushed IV meds, I bumped up CPMs, helped them get SCDs on and off, passed pain pills like nobody's business, carried alcohol swabs like crazy because they have SO MANY USES. (Wave them under someone's nose, goodbye nausea, can't unhook that IV port? Wrap an alcohol swab around it and twist, it'll come right off. Nothing to write on? Alcohol swab. And the things you can clean with it? Your name badge, your stethoscope, IV ports, medicine vials, sat probes. And while you're at it, use it to bust open those glass ampules--and then be sure to use a filter needle--haha, Josh used to joke about giving injections with filter needles.) I think I love being a nurse. I need to get my RN. I am an LPN and the only difference I can see between LPN and RN is pay. I had a lady a while back ask me, "Are you an RN?" "No, I'm an LPN." "Well I'd like to speak to an RN." She came down the hall to talk to the RN...and proceeded to ask her about setting up an appointment to get her hair done at the beauty salon. Yes, because I'm just a stupid LPN, how could I POSSIBLY know how to set up a hair appt? Actually I don't, but I can run circles around lots of RNs I know. Corrected one today. A couple times. The one I remember was when she said that a guy had prn Klonipin for elevated blood pressure. I chimed in, "Clonidine." She said, "right." I am really enjoying blogging about nursing. I am smart. I have a lot of experience. I should probably be somewhere where my skills and knowledge can be put to better use. Haha. And here's my resume. And this is only a partial list of things I've done, things I know.

Kiss my ass.

2012-01-14T21:29:00.002-05:00

This song made me laugh.

Run Shithead Run.

2012-01-14T21:15:00.000-05:00

Friend emailed me the link to this song. Apparently this is to be my song for now. I need to run and not look back. And I am a shithead. LOL. She was right, it did make me feel better. Glad I bought those $11 speakers for my computer since my old ones died.

Got trouble behind you, he's on your tail
Better not flinch, better not fail
Don't look back
Don't look back
Don't look back
Don't look back
Don't

Run, run, run
Run shithead run
Run, run, run
Run shithead run
Go

Don't look back
Don't look back
Don't look back
Don't look back
Don't

Run, run, run
Run shithead run, run, run
Run shithead run

This really is my song right now.

2012-01-14T18:14:00.001-05:00

Feel like no one cares, no one understands, want to change my name, change the season, change where I live. Change something. Anything. My emotions are up and down and all over the place.

I'm not crazy.

2012-01-14T14:52:00.001-05:00

I'm just a little unwell.

Not used to these anxiety attacks. In nursing school when someone counted my respirations they were 8. EIGHT. If I had a patient with resps that low when I worked at the hospital, I'd be thinking about busting out the Narcan. I am that calm. Most of the time anyways. A little PMS and I might lose my cool. But this, this is unbearable. Frustrating. This is not who I am.

Productive.

2012-01-13T21:27:00.000-05:00

Had a nice productive night. Went to the bar with Shannen. Ran into my landlord and his girlfriend there. Dug my checkbook out of my glove box and paid my rent. Not getting evicted. Finally told them that I had separated from my husband. They want me to buy this house. I might. If there is any way that I can find, I just might do it. They say my house payment will be cheaper than my rent. Imagine, MY VERY OWN house. Jason and I owned three houses together, buy my OWN? Wow. That would be huge. It would mean I would have to stay here. I really don't want to go anywhere. So many changes in my life lately and this is where I have always wanted to be. I mean, the way I found this house was kind of magical in itself. I've probably told the story. Don't want to retell it right now. Will tell it later. I belong here. I ADORE this house. Felt good after a couple drinks. Went grocery shopping with Shannen and ran into my friend Charles there! Yay! I love him! Was so glad to see him. We used to work together but he quit. Was great to see him. His girlfriend just had a baby. She hadn't been due until February. That was exciting news. Turned out to be an okay day and a great night. Loving life.

Kids.

2012-01-13T18:01:00.000-05:00

I have extras over. Did I say my house was quiet? Not this afternoon it wasn't. My friend's daughter was throwing temper tantrums all afternoon. I kept telling her to mellow out. As horrible as it sounds, it was kind of soothing to me to see someone else acting out in the way that I had been feeling lately. It felt good to be in a good calm place where I could calmly tell her to "calm down, stop shouting, stop being dramatic." I love kids. They can act any way they want. No one calls them crazy for it, they're called kids. It's okay that they're crazy. I love their voices. I always wanted a house full of kids. I am missing some of mine. Half of mine. A daughter who died and two sons who are in a different state. My first three children. I have my youngest three children. I'm glad. I love when my seven year old boy sleeps in my bed. He is soft and snuggly and beautiful. I am blessed. I love being a mother. I may not have been the best mother lately but you can tell by what fabulous kids I have that I have been a good mother. Patient, loving. Those are my strong points when it comes to parenting. It takes a lot to ruffle my feathers. Guess a lot has happened to me lately because my feathers were really ruffled for a while there. Today I am an okay mother. I feel somewhat normal.

Katrina says...

2012-01-12T19:55:00.004-05:00

She says I'll be okay. Not right now, but I will be. We're talking about moving in together. I love her. I am open to all possibilities right now. Spokane would be driving distance from Jason and the other kids. Hmm. Not a bad idea. We'll see. Lots of jobs for me around Spokane. I have an Idaho nursing license and I'm pretty sure Washington is one of the compact states. And she lives right on the border of Idaho. I could work in either state... Hmmm. It would be crazy. But I am crazy. I'll sleep on it. I am the queen of crazy ideas. Katrina. Being near her would be fabulous. She says she'll help me raise the kids. Haha. I could use the help. But I already have Shannen for that. Jay had said he wanted to move to Idaho too. Shannen said no, absolutely not. I don't question her authority, she is the boss, trust me. Love her. I'm just confused right now. My life is in such upheaval. I hadn't even realized how vulnerable I was. Naive. I was married for 18 years. I don't know about dating. I don't know about scandalous, mischevious, devious men. I didn't know that men were like that. Or if they were, I thought you could tell. I thought I was a good judge of men. I picked a solid one before. Apparently I have lost my ability to judge men. I do need to stay away from them. I think I will. Katrina tells me that if you go without sex long enough you quit wanting it. God, I hope so. Because I want to not want it. I'm sorry, but I AM the horniest person you know. I've had lots of people say to me, "Sheesh, you act like a guy." Lord, I hope not. Not from what I've seen recently.

Entertained!

2012-01-12T18:39:00.002-05:00

Well, I lied. I am finding my life entertaining tonight! Hahahaha. Maybe I'll share details, maybe I won't. We'll see. Cuddled in Shannen's bed for hours, talked to Sarah, talking to Katrina now. Glad to have friends.

Stop. Delete. Edit. Rewind.

2012-01-12T18:08:00.002-05:00

Who me? Break down? Never. Doesn't sound like me. The me I know is strong. The me I know gives help, doesn't have to ask for it. Me? I smile and laugh and dance and sing. I don't cry and pout and shake and rage. That wasn't me. Coming back to myself. I am strong. I am happy. Nothing will keep me down. Change? How much? Sure, I guess I can handle it. Change in religion, change of state, change of employment, change of shift, change in schedule, change of marital status, change in the number of children I am raising, change in friendships. Change. I have said that I welcome it. I do. To a point. How much change can one person handle? A little stability might feel nice. And loss? Don't get me started. I have lost too much. I have had enough. No more change. No more loss. I can't do it anymore. Please Universe, let me start gaining things instead of losing them. Please, if there must be change let it be for the good, for the better. The only change I'm looking for is a change in how I feel. Want myself back. Smile. Laugh. Dance. Sing. That's what I want out of life. I managed a few performances at work today. Didn't know I was an entertainer? Then why are you reading this? I am an entertainer. I entertain myself. Lately I have not found my life very entertaining. This is exactly the reason that I do not watch movies or TV shows that are dramas. I do not read books about drama. There is too much of it in the world, why would I want to add to it or bring it to myself? No thanks. No more drama. No more heartache. Time to look up and move forward.

Shrinking.

2012-01-12T15:36:00.003-05:00

My household is shrinking. My circle of friends is shrinking. I don't know quite what to think about it. I feel lonely. My house feels quiet. I miss nights out with the girls at the bar after work. Wondering what comes next.

Being a nurse is hard.

2012-01-10T18:47:00.000-05:00

http://online.wsj.com/article_email/SB10001424052970204720204577128882104188856-lMyQjAxMTAyMDAwMzEwNDMyWj.html?mod=wsj_share_email

Dragon.

2012-01-10T11:37:00.002-05:00

The Dragon

The Dragon personality

The Dragon is a creature of myth and legend. A symbol of good fortune and sign of intense power, the Oriental Dragon is regarded as a divine beast - the reverse of the malicious monster that Westerners felt necessary to find and slay. In Eastern philosophy, the Dragon is said to be a deliverer of good fortune and a master of authority. Therefore, those people born in Dragon years are to be honored and respected.

THE SIGN OF THE DRAGON

The key to the Dragon personality is that Dragons are the free spirits of the Zodiac. Conformation is a Dragon's curse. Rules and regulations are made for other people. Restrictions blow out the creative spark that is ready to flame into life. Dragons must be free and uninhibited. The Dragon is a beautiful creature, colorful and flamboyant. An extroverted bundle of energy, gifted and utterly irrepressible, everything Dragons do is on a grand scale - big ideas, ornate gestures, extreme ambitions. However, this behavior is natural and isn't meant for show. Because they are confident, fearless in the face of challenge, they are almost inevitably successful. Dragons usually make it to the top. However, Dragon people be aware of their natures. Too much enthusiasm can leave them tired and unfulfilled. Even though they are willing to aid when necessary, their pride can often impede them from accepting the same kind of help from others. Dragons' generous personalities give them the ability to attract friends, but they can be rather solitary people at heart. A Dragon's self-sufficiency can mean that he or she has no need for close bonds with other people.

CHARACTERISTICS

Innovative
Enterprising
Flexible
Self-assured
Brave
Passionate
Conceited
Tactless
Scrutinizing
Unanticipated
Quick-tempered

THE FIRE DRAGON 1916 AND 1976

The Fire Dragon is a powerful force to be reckoned with. This is a Dragon doubled! The Fire Dragon can move from calm and collected to combustible in a matter of seconds. In some ways the Fire Dragon is his or her own worst enemy. These Dragons cannot help feeling they are valuable and all-knowing. When they are right their vehemence and vigor is an asset to the cause, and though they value objectivity, they do not always employ the best decision-making measures, and sometimes jump to the wrong conclusion. They also suffer from recklessness and quick tempers. Yet, when they do keep their temper, emotions, and rivaling spirit under control, they emanate a commanding influence on other people.

HEALTH

Dragons take thrilling risks and burn the candle at both ends so they are fortunate to be blessed with good health. Among the most hearty of the Animal signs, they can suffer bad health as a result of stress. Symptoms of their personalities often stem from emotional outbursts and can range from tension headaches to depression to hypertension. Dragons can remedy these problems by maintaining their cool, implementing a routine in their daily lives, and utilizing exercises such as yoga or tai kwon do that soothe the mind and spirit as well as tone the body.

AT HOME WITH THE DRAGON

Not the most domesticated of the Animal signs, Dragons may be more content out and about rather than at home. Nevertheless, with their imagination and artistic sense, they can enjoy decorating their home or anywhere else where their extravagance can be expressed..

THE DRAGON AT WORK

The Dragon's originality is the most impressive and outstanding of all his characteristics. The Dragon is quite imaginative and always able to see new paths where others may run into brick walls. Dragons are very adaptable and are fit for various occupations, especially if those occupations allow him to take the limelight. In any of these occupational situations, the Dragons will take a radical approach. Dragons work hard, but would rather give orders than receive them. They should avoid jobs that encompass too much routine, and should move toward jobs in which their self-reliance can be an asset.

FINANCE AND THE DRAGON

Dragons like to spend money and are charitable themselves as well as with others. They do not know the meaning of the word "accumulate," and making money does not intrigue them as it may others. Many Dragons will take big chances with their finances, sometimes betting on their shirt and losing it right off of their backs. Yet, they were born with the Midas Touch, and it very rare that a Dragon remains poor for long. Dragons will always be straightforward in financial dealings and can always be trusted.

Hobbies and Pastimes: Computer programming, public speaking, fossil hunting, astrology

Dragons Dislike: Taking orders, unnecessary bureaucracy, discounted ideas, people who don't give 100%

Mortal Enemy: Dogs (Haha. People born in the year of the dog, that is.)

IRRESISTIBLE ATTRACTION
People love Dragons so much because they are generous, charismatic, irresistible, and so brave that standing beside them banishes fear. They generate excitement and turn heads anywhere they go. They are free-spirited and impulsive and can help others achieve their dreams. Others love to be around Dragons because they have a way of making people feel better. Dragons are quick to fall in love, but do not surrender their independence easily leaving most of them to live life by themselves. Yet, a smart, witty, and funny companion may intrigue the Dragon long enough to make him want to get married. And once the Dragon becomes committed, he is unlikely to ever leave.

It's funny how...

2012-01-09T11:41:00.004-05:00

...I know that I would be there for someone who was having a crisis in their life like I am, but I feel guilty and fearful (like absolute dread) and embarrassed and horrified to have to ask someone for help. Anyone. I didn't know who to turn to. I called one person. She didn't answer. I called again. I left a message. Another name on my phone jumped out at me. She answered. She helped me. I am getting the help that I need. A tidal wave of emotional stress has just destroyed me. I'm embarrassed that I thought I was strong, but turned out to be weak. But I am smart enough and strong enough to seek help when I need it. I am going to get it. I've been to the doctor's office already. I have phone numbers to call. I have a prescription to take. I'll make it. I don't really know who cares about me. I know that it's not true, but I feel like no one cares. I feel like I spend all my time caring for others. Feeling bad to have to burden them, feeling bad for making them worry, feeling bad for harassing them, feeling bad for telling them how I feel, feeling bad for neglecting them because of what an emotional train wreck I am right now, feeling bad for being me. But what about me? I can't help that I am in a mess. The things that have happened in my life recently have done it to me. I didn't plan to get to where I am. I never dreamed that I would be where I am right now. But yet here I am. Here I am feeling rejected and neglected and embarrassed and horrified and in an absolute crisis in my life. And I just don't know who cares. I'm confused. I'm tired. I've been having panic attacks. I had to leave work. I can't lose my job. I can't stand to lose anything else right now. I feel like I am at rock bottom. The only way I can go is up. I'm just not sure how to get there. Today as I was passing meds and answering questions for a patient it occurred to me just HOW MANY PEOPLE RELY ON ME. My children, my friends, my patients. I am usually a safe harbor for others. Now I need a safe harbor and I don't know where to find one. Shannen. She has turned out to be my safe harbor. My protector. We were at the doctor's office. I told him I needed help, that I was scared for myself, that I was scared that I wasn't taking good care of my kids because of what a mess I was. He left the room. I said to Shannen, "He's going to call 911 and take my kids away." She said, "No he won't because I am here." No one messes with Shannen. She kept repeating it, "Don't worry because I am right here." Maybe I do know how to find support when I need it. I'm ashamed that I need help, but I'm proud that I have a friend who is willing to give it to me. I'm proud to have a friend who is so strong. I'll be okay.

'Nuff said.

2012-01-09T00:12:00.000-05:00

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/yashar-hedayat/a-message-to-women-from-a_1_b_958859.html

Me. Myself...

2012-01-08T23:00:00.002-05:00

...and I caught a glimpse of her today. She smiled, she laughed, she danced, she sang, she hugged, she kissed, she flirted shamelessly with the boys and patted the girls' behinds. Came up with all sorts of bad ideas. Said all sorts of inappropriate things. Yep. That is the Becky that I know. Glad she decided to make an appearance. I'm not usually crazier than anyone else, I just admit that I'm crazy so everybody knows it. I put it out here on my blog. I am usually fun-cookoo-bird-crazy. The past several days it was a different thing. It was frightening. And I don't scare easily. But here is the motto for my life, "Don't worry be happy." I'll be okay. I'll get it together. I'll figure things out. I'll come out the other side an even more amazing person (if that is even possible). Haha. I jest! See? I'm back.

This song is stuck in my head.

2012-01-08T04:51:00.000-05:00

Bridges.

2012-01-01T22:53:00.010-05:00

You can live under one I suppose.

You can admire them. You can build all different kinds.

You can cross them.

You can burn them.

Or you can just set fire to the rain.

Year of the dragon.

2012-01-01T20:30:00.005-05:00

I was born in the year of the dragon (and this totally looks like the kind of dragon I am).

Apparently 2012 is the year of the dragon. Maybe it will be my year after all. We'll see.

This would make a nice tattoo.

This soothes me.

2011-12-30T18:08:00.000-05:00

Struggle.

2011-12-28T18:35:00.003-05:00

My brother has said something to me twice. With quite a good amount of time in between. He told me, "It's good for you to struggle." He elaborated a little more this last time. He said, "People who get handed everything are miserable and do drugs and kill themselves." Huh. I would blog more about this subject, but my daughter is STRUGGLING to get me off the computer so she can play a game. Ah, struggles.

Old and New.

2011-12-28T17:22:00.005-05:00

Recent favorite song (I guess it's old, but I've just discovered it). Love it.

Old favorite that I heard a couple times on the radio recently. Both times I heard it I was driving in the same place, one time coming, the other going--and not in a place I usually drive. Thought it was a weird coincidence.

Nieces and Nephews.

2011-12-25T19:52:00.007-05:00

Here they are at my parents' house in Idaho. I'm kinda sad that my youngest niece has gotten so big and I think I've only met her once that I can remember. A year ago. She was tiny then.

Here is my lovely sister and my niece who was born the same year as my daughter Holly. They are beautiful.

My sister's daughter and my brother's sweet little son:

And I know you're not supposed to have a favorite, but come on...

How could you not adore that face? He was born two months after my youngest son. My youngest son was named after my brother, this boy's father. This little boy was named the name that I had originally picked out for my youngest. They actually look a lot alike, the two little boys born two months apart. I adore them.

Revisited.

2011-12-25T19:33:00.000-05:00

Happy Holidays.

This is how I know...

2011-12-24T23:30:00.003-05:00

...that I belong in New York... I noticed that my neighbor's blue Christmas lights on their garage are in the shape of a question mark. I wish I could take a picture. If only I could take care of cameras...

I am having a very happy holiday actually. My brother Danny came up from Brooklyn to see me. It was great. He took us all out to breakfast, he brought gifts for all of us. He is such a sweetheart. The boys had all kinds of fun play-gun-fighting with him last night. I love boys. They are smart as heck. I liked how my 7 year-old noticed at the diner that the little container of Hood creamer spelled pooH upside down. Kids. Apparently people can only take so much of them though. Danny thought about spending another night, but then told me "Actually, I'm not sure how much more I can take," as he looked sideways at the kids. Haha. At least HE was nice about it. My uncle was not so nice. My kids aren't huge fans of hanging at my aunt and uncle's house and they made it known when we were there yesterday. So today my uncle says, "When I was a kid, I just sat quietly and listened to the adults, I wasn't busy saying 'I wanna go home'". My uncle's goal in life is to figure out how he is/was better than everyone else. Oh brother. So speaking of brothers, my brother makes me laugh. He says the silliest things. Last night we were watching The Grinch and the Whos were partying. Danny said, "Who knows how to party? The Whos." Haha. So silly. Last night I met him at the train station and went for a drink at an Irish pub there. And the drinks were free for a "customer appreciation day". How lucky can you get right? And today I've been watching movies with the kids and snuggling them. I may not be the only mom who says this, but I think my youngest child is the most beautiful/darling/sweet little angel in the world. I loved having him fall asleep cuddled up against me. I love them all. Blessed. Happy. (And Maudie says I'm supposed to write, "I especially love Maudie.") Well, Santa Claus has already been here and pogo sticks and basketballs and stockings and whatnot are waiting for the kids in the morning. This is a great weekend. So glad I didn't have to work. And speaking of work--I am loving my new early morning shift. It is working out great. It's nice to see the kids more. Nice to get to know the people "on the other hall" better. Loving it.

Addicted.

2011-12-21T21:27:00.001-05:00

To music.
To love.
And other things.

Appropriately, I totally wear this lotion and body spray.

Where are you Christmas?

2011-12-20T19:32:00.001-05:00

This Christmas season has not exactly been a fabulous one. I feel so tired and stressed out and overwhelmed. Yes, I am cranky, I'm sorry. I haven't seen my oldest son in two months. I have not been able to pay my bills since sending Jason off with a bunch of money. I am behind, plus I have four kids who want everything under the sun for Christmas and will not get it. I do not have family to spend Christmas with (aside from the four kids, I guess it will be ok with just the five of us). So here is my song for this Christmas.

I usually love Christmas songs but this year I haven't even been listening to them. I am usually prepared way in advance for Christmas. I used to start my Christmas shopping in July. I used to be so prepared, so organized. I used to have someone to help me put the "santa gifts" out on Christmas Eve, but I won't this year. I feel so sad that my kids do not have their father around. I am so sad that I will not see my oldest boy on Christmas. Please have a little sympathy for what I'm going through and keep the drama out of my life. I don't need any extra. I am just struggling to make it through this holiday. For the first time ever in my life, I am looking forward to January. Please Christmas, come and go quickly. Leave me alone Christmas. I don't have time for you this year. I don't have energy for you this year.

I love this song.

2011-12-18T01:59:00.000-05:00

I LOVE Alison Krauss. I used to have this CD. I used to have lots of CDs. If I would step into this century, I guess I would have an Ipod or something...lol. But the next $100 I have in my hand has to go to my car insurance bill because my soon-to-be-ex-husband refuses to pay the ONE bill that we have together. It's ok though because my sister is my insurance agent and she put him on his own policy and paid some money on mine so it doesn't get cancelled. Whew. Close one. (Being poor sucks).

Here's more Alison Krauss. Her music makes me happy. :)

I used to have the O Brother Where Art Thou soundtrack too... I used to have a brain too. :)

Speak louder.

2011-12-15T01:51:00.000-05:00

It's hard to hear you from down here...

This is how I feel. Like I am walking underwater. Getting anywhere is difficult. I can't quite hear what's going on above the surface. Everything just feels so difficult right now. I am not splashing around in the shallow end, like Andy's blog used to tell me to do, I'm down in the deep end treading water. This comparison makes me think of different things. Like how Tom says that water in dreams symbolizes emotion. I am definitely under the weight of a lot of emotions right now. It also makes me think of the summertime and how I would love to just float in the pool with my arms stretched out and my eyes closed, with the sun shining on my face. Being in the water can't be all bad. Luckily I'm a pretty strong swimmer. (Ask my kids, they have long been in awe of how fast I can swim. I love to say, "let's race" and then kick their butts. lol) I'm not afraid of the water, I just don't want to be in it for too long. I'll wrinkle up like a prune.

The Color Purple. Slow Motion. Paying the Rent. Danny.

2011-12-12T09:06:00.002-05:00

Purple must be my color of the year. I made my Holiday card yesterday online and noticed that in most of the pics of myself I was wearing purple. Also have my favorite purple purse. Have this pic of my purple purse...with Jason's Glock sitting on it. That was taken on my trip to Washington in January. I wasn't going unarmed... Like I said back then, I had PMS and a gun--the Pacific Northwest was so in danger and didn't know it. lol. That was an awesome time. Driving by myself 7 hours each way. Sleeping in Katrina's bed, hanging out at her strip club, visiting her family who I hadn't seen in ages. Good times.

Slow motion. That's how I feel like I am moving lately. Feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders most days. Don't really wanna talk about it right now. Have talked about it plenty. Just will be glad if I can eventually feel light and free again. Like this:

I know it sounds weird, but I love paying my rent. Why? Because I get to drive up to Woodstock to do it. I have long loved Woodstock. I remember going there as a kid. I totally thought I was a hippie when I was a teenager and definitely thought I fit in in Woodstock then. This picture of Danny and I was taken near Woodstock. I know it was the same day that we had visited Woodstock. The pic was near the home of a childhood friend of my mom's. I love this pic. I love my baby brother. (And I'm hoping he'll come visit me for Christmas!)

And speaking of the love of my life, my brother Danny, I found some more pics of his apartment (stolen from his facebook page).

And he looks so cute sitting on the subway.

And playing his guitar (I totally stole this pic to put on my holiday card--I'm such a scandalous thief).

Friends.

2011-12-10T16:49:00.000-05:00

Jamie and I. Friends since first grade...

This NY friend of mine reminds me a lot of her.

Katrina and I. Friends since third grade.

This NY friend of mine reminds me a lot of her.

I miss these darling Idaho friends of mine...

Kristine.

And Evangelina (aka Evey).

I love my friends.

Meet Virginia.

2011-12-09T13:19:00.000-05:00

I love this song.

Look closer.

2011-12-08T13:15:00.000-05:00

"It's that horrifying moment...when you realize that your friend's fat arm makes you look naked in that office party photo." (In case it's too small to read).

Haha. Saw this on facebook and had to share on my blog. You have to read the caption and look a little closer...

Question everything.

2011-12-06T11:17:00.001-05:00

That's what Mormonism taught me. Well, not at first. At first it taught me to question nothing and just do what I was told and believe what I was told. But in the end of my relationship with Mormonism, it taught me to question EVERYTHING. (I actually capitalized Mormonism, because for teaching me to question everything, I have to give some respect to Mormonism).

Nursing home.

2011-12-03T12:58:00.000-05:00

I work at one. It is pretty fun. Those old people are highly entertaining.

Boredom kills.

2011-11-26T23:02:00.001-05:00

Here's a joke I stole from a facebook friend...

A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?"
Mom says, "No, because the dog is in heat."
"What does that mean?" asked the child.
"Go ask your father. I think he is in the garage."

... The little girl went to the garage and asked "Dad, may I take Susie for a walk around the block?
I asked Mom, but she said that Susie was in heat, and to come talk to you."

Dad said, " Bring Susie over here"
He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's rear-end with it and said,
"Okay, you can go now, but keep Susie on the leash and only go one time around the block."
The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with NO DOG on the leash.

Dad asked, "Where is Susie?"

The little girl said, "She will be here in a minute, she ran out of gas about halfway down the block and another dog is pushing her home."

There is no one like me.

2011-11-23T21:16:00.000-05:00

Take a second look and you'll see. There is no one like me.

I love this song. It makes me dance around the house like a maniac...and my daughter says, "I'm gonna call child protective services on you. They'll take one look at your dancing and take us away from you." She said she wants to get me a shock collar and shock me every time I dance. She is a nut. The other day my friend was over and was playing The Sims. She was trying to get her character to "woo-hoo" with someone. I was like, "Wow, I didn't know The Sims could woo-hoo." My daughter said, "Duh mom, that's how babies are made." She writes me love notes most every night that I read when I get home from work. Last night her note said, "I have a sore throat. I'm going to die. I want a pink coffin." Crazay girl.

True love.

2011-11-23T02:40:00.000-05:00

Now you've seen it.

(And no I cannot promise that this will be my last blog of the day.)

I don't know how many times...

2011-11-21T23:02:00.000-05:00

...I have posted this video to my blog and or facebook, but there is beauty in the world and in this video... So I'm posting it again. :)

I love the world I live in.

Today I had the pleasure of seeing these three people, who are very special to me. And I got to keep that sweet lil angel with me for the afternoon. I had a great day. ("Bones" brought his cordless phone from home as a toy and was talking on it in the car. He handed it to me to talk on it. So I did. And then I started giggling because I was wondering what a cop would say if he pulled me over for talking on a HOME phone. lol) I love taking him places. I had forgotten how much attention babies get. He tells everyone "Hi". He is so darling, I could just eat him up. Glad when my bff shares him with me. :)

Don't worry about me because I am strong and because I have a great support system in my life. :)

Marriage is for the birds.

2011-11-18T12:11:00.000-05:00

I keep thinking of this analogy of marriage, where I am a bird trying to fly, but I've got this "thing" holding on to me, tethering me, keeping me from being who I really want to be and doing what I really want to do. Well those strings are cut now.

That tree is going to have to put down roots somewhere else. Because...

I don't mind flying in a flock, but if I did not give birth to you and in that way commit to letting you hold onto me, then fly beside me and don't hold me back.

(And P.S. I have perfect confidence in my kids' ability to actually fly on their own--it was their father who couldn't. Well now he'll be forced to learn.)

See ya. Rain or shine, I will be soaring through life.

And some bright morning, when this life is over, I'll fly away.

"Not for nothin', but..."

2011-11-17T09:32:00.000-05:00

That is a "New York-ism", according to a buddy of mine. I have heard many New Yorkers utter that phrase before telling me something. So I mentioned that fact to my neighbor Shannen. She was kind enough to define what it actually means. Apparently it means, "Normally I wouldn't mention this...but your ass needs to know." LOL. God I love New Yorkers. I also love the way they say drawers. They just say "draws." That's it. "Yeah, my bedroom was a mess with draws laying all over the floor." "The draws to these dressers are in my garage." (Things I have actually heard from different people.) I can't stop giggling over Shannen's definition. That made my morning. :)

Monkey Turds and Missing Links.

2011-11-17T00:50:00.000-05:00

I freaking love my friends. They make me so happy. Today my neighbor was cracking me up doing a little replay of yesterday when I had to call her from work and tell her to go to my house and "kick some ass" (because the kids called me at work because they were fighting). You don't wanna mess with my little spitfire next door, let me tell ya. Frickin' love her. She is amazing. Then I've got my little goofball friend who I will just call "Gert Jr" for this blog because I'm gonna say something embarrassing about her. We drove to work together (that's not the embarrassing part, although she did embarrass me by honking and swearing at other drivers and calling the person in front of us at the toll booth a "monkey turd"). God, I love her. Anyways, she was bitching at work because she had a little "owie" in a sensitive area (she acted like it was huge, but I checked it out--it was little, trust me--I'm a nurse). So yeah, on the way home we pulled up to the toll booth and before the guy opened his little glass window, she said in her best guido voice, "What's up baby? How you doin'?" Then as we drove away she yelled, "My crotch hurts!" Haha. So I tell her that her driving is scaring me tonight and she starts swerving all over the road...right in front of two people standing there about to get in their car. And then of course we stop right by them at the stoplight. I said, "I hope you have your doors locked." And Gert Jr was like, "What? They're not gonna mess with us, I know some cops. My friend is pregnant by a cop." And I said, "Yeah, that little half-cop baby is gonna pop out and put the smack-down on 'em." And I laughed so hard I almost puked. And through my laughter I said, "That is not even funny!" And I slapped the dashboard of the car and laughed harder. After that she told me, "Becky, I love you. You are my missing link." I am so proud to be her missing link. She is my missing link too. A perfect puzzle piece to fit in the craziness that is my life right now. I love New York. I love my darling old house. I love my NY family (my cousin let me cry on his shoulder earlier in the day--I needed that). I love my NY friends. I love life. And guess what? On the way home, I sang. And I could actually hear myself and my throat was not killing me. Yeah, so to you two people who heard me bitching about having no voice today and told me, "You should stop talking," (which is a given), ha! I didn't stop talking and I am getting my voice back! Take that, bitches! Okay, okay, maybe I should be a little more reverent and say, "Thank you Universe." My voice is uber important to me. I guess I hadn't realized that until I lost it. If I can't sing, I'm not happy. If I can't be loud and obnoxious, I'm not happy.

Thank you Nickelback.

2011-11-14T08:53:00.000-05:00

For filming in a spot that looks EXACTLY like where I grew up. So if you don't believe me that it is all walls (aka hills) of dead yellow-brown grass and the occasional oak tree, here you go!

Lyrics.

2011-11-08T10:10:00.000-05:00

Funny--you can tell you're a nurse when you go to write the word "lyrics" and accidentally write "Lyrica" (a medication that I give every night).
I love music. I can hardly go a minute without it. Songs speak to me. Sometimes the words will just jump out at me and mean something special to me or help me realize something I hadn't realized before. Music is magical. Some phrases from songs that stick in my head a lot: "I'm so tired of being tired." (Tom Petty). "When I say I'm gonna do something I do it, I don't give a fuck what you say." (Eminem--love him). I have noticed now that I am separated from my husband that the songs about lost love mean a little something more to me. They make me a little sad and sometimes I change the radio station when they come on. I happened to hear this song this morning though and I had a different reaction to it than before I separated from Jason. When I heard it before the separation, I usually had to change the station because it made me sad and scared. It was because I knew that I was going to leave him. I didn't know how, I didn't know when, but I knew it was inevitable. Now that he's gone, this song doesn't make me feel like crying. It makes me feel calm and peaceful about my decision.

My declaration of independence.

2011-11-07T04:34:00.000-05:00

I'm really feelin' the Natasha Bedingfield CD that I got from a thrift store in Saugerties for $2.

This is MY time. Yes, it is all about me. For once. "It's not me, it's you," has a whole new meaning to me... It really wasn't him. It was me. And a need for freedom.

And yep, the rest is still unwritten. (But don't worry, I'll keep writing it).

And just for good measure...these words are my own.

Jay Blue.

2011-11-05T08:40:00.000-04:00

My little boy had a birthday this week. Apparently his grandparents were so traumatized by the fact that his parents were splitting up that they forgot to send him his usual birthday card with some money (both sets of grandparents forgot). My poor baby has been checking the mailbox every day with no luck. :( It wasn't the best birthday for him. I had to work. I had a little family party for him on Sunday night. We had cake and he opened his gifts that I had bought him at the dollar store (because I had sent most of my money with Jason for gas money to get to wherever he was going--which I now know was Idaho). Jay is special to me. All my kids are of course, but Jay was born exactly one year to the day after I had miscarried another baby. I had a beautiful pregnancy with Jay and he is the only one of my boys who was just a total mama's boy from the day he was born. He is the sweetest, kindest, most thoughtful little boy in the world. He LOVES to talk. I love to hear his stories. I love to hear his sweet voice. He is so precious to me. I am lucky to have been his mom for nine years now. Blessed.

Current faves.

2011-11-04T05:39:00.000-04:00

Sorry to bore you, but I love these two videos (and the songs). :)

This is your brain...

2011-11-04T05:19:00.000-04:00

...on divorce.
...on work drama.
...on friends moving on.
...on thinking about things too much.
...on lack of sleep.
...on too much caffeine and any other (legal) harmful substance you can find...

Golden Moldies.

2011-10-26T09:50:00.001-04:00

New York is moist. Very moist. I have never seen so much mold. On the bathroom walls, on a purse that was hanging on a door in my bedroom, on a canvas covered binder that was sitting on a shelf in my bedroom, on a potholder sitting in a kitchen drawer, on a pot of coffee that had been sitting for a day. Doesn't do much for a person with asthma. If I ever move from here, I wonder where I'll go. States I would be willing to live in? Colorado maybe. Washington, Oregon...I dunno. I wonder if I'll live here forever or move somewhere else. I'll tell you where I WON'T be moving to. Australia. That is my husband's dream. Unfortunately I am not a fan of deserts or reptiles or insects "that can carry you away on their backs," to quote a girl I knew who was from Australia. No thanks. My kids love to tell me about all these shows they have watched about crazy animals and or insects in other countries that can "bite through your toenails and they keep on biting and pretty soon your heart stops," (some kind of spider Bryce told me about). Okaaay. So glad I live in the good old U.S. of A. Welp, I'm off to get ready for work early. Covering for a girl who's sick. We're all always sick around there. And not just in the head. I love my coworkers. I've got a pretty good work family here. I am blessed with the gift of being able to get along with ALMOST anyone.

Why I love kids and the state of New York.

2011-10-22T11:23:00.000-04:00

My eight year old told me this morning that he got some change out of the "glove department" of the car. Then he said that yesterday was the twenty-oneth of October. So cute. Except when they fight. Jason bought a new PS3 (because the old one was broken) and now they are all fighting over who is killing who on the game. Nice. We have some bad luck with video game systems. I remember coming home one time and seeing something cooking in the oven and getting all excited that Jason had cooked something good for dinner. Nope, it was his Xbox 360 cooking in there. He went through a couple of those game systems and he had looked up how to fix them online. That's how he found out that you were supposed to take them apart and cook them.

Why do I love New York? I'll tell you. The exits on the thruway are few and far between (like 20 miles in between). One night I was driving home in the dark and the pouring rain and I missed my exit. I never would have made it to the next exit because I was low on gas. I also would have never been able to see any place to turn around if it weren't for these huge beautiful no u-turn signs right at every open area in the middle of the thruway. So I did make it home that night. I still owe New York state $15 for that little mishap (they caught up with me at the toll booth--too bad it wasn't my girl Dori, I'm pretty sure she would've let me get away with it.) Anyways, I also love New York because it is so BEAUTIFUL. I was actually in the passenger seat the other day as we drove over to Port Ewen (to drop off a BABY that I got to take care of for my friend Sarah--I was in Heaven). So from the passenger seat I got to enjoy the scenery even more. I thought I was gonna get whiplash though because I would be looking at one side of the road and then I would think, "Wait! What if I'm missing something fabulous on the other side of the road?!" So yeah, I probably looked like a bobble-head doll. It's better than when I'm driving along and nearly rear-ending people because I'm so busy eyeing the fall foliage... (I'm not really a bad driver--crazy driver yeah, but bad, no.) I love it here. My daughter always tells me she hates it here and that any other place would be better. I tell her to name one place and she can never come up with one. I think she just says that to torment me. It would be ironic though if she grew up and moved back across the country to where I grew up--like I moved across the country to where MY mom is from... I'll be honest though--I plan to follow my daughter wherever she goes. I know what happens with boys. They follow the wife's family. They get lost to their own families. But daughters are for sticking with their mothers (especially if they are as close as my daughter and I are--BFFs). Taking care of that baby the other day made me want some grandkids. Another five years maybe. I miss little ones. My babies are about to turn 7 and 9. They grow up so fast.

Nor Cal.

2011-10-17T00:28:00.000-04:00

Whenever I tell people that I'm from Northern California they say, "Oh, it's beautiful there." Not where I grew up. The background in this video reminds me a lot of where I grew up and a little of where I lived in Idaho. Dead grass and no trees. Yuck. Love this song though! This is a good life!

And whenever I watch the movie Four Christmases, I am reminded of the foothills of Northern California. Especially when the couple visits Vince Vaughn's dad and brothers (P.S. See Tim Mcgraw kind of chubby and not that good looking in that movie? I don't see what the hype is personally...not a Tim Mcgraw fan myself. I'd hang out with Faith Hill before I'd hang with him...)

The outside of the house isn't shown much in the movie, but it looks like Nor Cal to me, and the house and the characters in it remind me of where I grew up. Lots of UFC fighters come from around where I'm from actually. Lockeford, Stockton, Jake Shields went to the same high school as me (apparently anyways, I don't remember him...not that I have a great memory.) Ken Shamrock too.

Celebrity crushes.

2011-10-16T23:03:00.001-04:00

Yum. Mick Jagger licking his lips and whatnot in the video for Moves Like Jagger creeps me out. I like this video better because it's just a shirtless Adam Levine, but it is VVVEEERRRYYY SSSLLLOOOWWW...

I also could eat up this guy from Foster The People.

So Cute! I love this song.

Anniversary.

2011-10-16T22:28:00.000-04:00

Yesterday my husband was flying from Idaho to New York, on the anniversary of his nephew's death. Kind of weird. I don't trust small planes. We know three people who died in small plane crashes in the past year. Seems like there's always a news story of someone dying in a small plane... I'll take my chances on a commercial airline, but other than that, no thanks.

My husband's nephew Andrew:
http://mustangdaily.net/breaking-cal-poly-student-dies/

My son's friend Isaac, and his dad Norman:
http://www.localnews8.com/news/28596682/detail.html

I remember hearing about this when we lived in Idaho:

http://articles.cnn.com/2009-03-23/us/montana.plane.crash_1_dr-erin-jacobson-plane-crash?_s=PM:US

Found this when looking for the above story:

http://www.kmvt.com/news/local/Plane-Crash-in-Burley-127697558.html

So many examples. And how many celebrities/singers have died in small plane crashes?

Buddy Holly,
Ritchie Valens,
Patsy Cline,
Amelia Earhart,
JFK jr,
Caroline Bessette Kennedy,
Will Rogers,
Aaliyah,
Stevie Ray Vaughn,
Jim Croce,
John Denver,
Ronnie VanZant (of Lynyrd Skynyrd),
Steve Gaines(of Lynyrd Skynyrd),
Cassie Gaines(of Lynyrd Skynyrd),
Otis Redding,
Glenn Miller,
Ricky Nelson,
Randy Rhoads,
Seven band members of singer Reba McEntire, and her manager.

And more.

Friends, brothers, and bla, bla, bla.

2011-09-26T13:57:00.001-04:00

Love my baby bro. His birthday is today. I always call him my baby brother. Always. So I told someone at work yesterday, "Tomorrow is my baby brother's birthday." She said, "Oh, how old is he?" I told her he was turning 32. She said, "Oh, so he's not really a baby anymore." What?! Don't go bursting my bubble like that! He is my sweet cuddly baby brother now and always. I even got to see him just a couple of weeks ago. Love that little stinker. He's not like me. He's very calm and quiet...unless you poke him in the forehead with a fork. I learned that when we were kids. Do not bring the wrath of Danny upon you by poking him in the forehead with a fork. I'm just sayin'. Hangin' with my cousin Steven today, but of course I'm rude and just use him for his internet. And a snack or two. Lovin' life.

I love New York.

2011-09-15T00:41:00.000-04:00

I came into the world the last day of August. My first month of life was in September. September in Northern California (where I grew up) was dead and dry, as was most of the year. As a kid I would visit New York in the summers and I LOVED the green. I always wanted to move to New York because it was so dang green. As a kid I also visited New York in the winter. Yeah, snow. I didn't grow up with it but I lived with it for 5 years in Idaho and it is nice. Quiet, peaceful, soft, white. Last April I came to New York for the first time in the spring. It wasn't all that great, but it quickly turned to beautiful green. But I had never been to New York in September. It is absolutely magical. I think I was always meant to be on the East Coast in September. I just never knew it. The hazy afternoon light is so fantastic. I have always been drawn to old paintings of the Hudson River area but being here as the leaves are changing colors...wow. Red and gold and deep green. So gorgeous. So now I know, every year when my birthday comes, also comes the most beautiful time of year in upstate New York. The colors match the green and gold in my eyes. I was always meant to be here.

Fall.

2011-09-04T13:53:00.001-04:00

I can't believe it's here already. September. Wow. I can't wait to see the leaves change color in upstate NY. I used to really dislike the color orange. I think I developed an aversion to it because I grew up in a house with orange carpet and orange and yellow linoleum. It's not so bad though. I have a friend in Idaho--Kim--whose favorite color is orange. Whenever I see something cute that's orange, I think of her. It is also the color of pumpkins and fall leaves. My mom and dad are out to visit. It's been nice seeing them. My baby brother also came up from Brooklyn to visit. I drug him and his girlfriend Stephanie around Saugerties yesterday, to check out all the cute shops. That is Maudie's and my favorite thing to do when I have a weekend off. I love Saugerties, NY! I just cross the street wherever and I told my brother, "I walk around like I own this place." haha. The kids are starting school this week. It kind of snuck up on me. I only have 2 of the 5 kids registered for school. I did manage to get them all some new school shoes and some "new" clothes (jeans have mostly come from 50% off day at Salvation Army--and lots of shirts for the boys). I had a nice birthday. A couple of my girlfriends from work and Jason and I went to the bar in New Paltz. I am becoming a regular there. The bartender is an older guy named Mark, who I've been getting to know pretty well. He's cool. Need to check out the nighttime scene in Saugerties one of these days. It's closer. But when I need a drink is after work! I still can't say that we are completely "settled" in New York--still need to register cars, get NY driver's licenses, get all the kids in school, get our propane turned on so we can use our dryer and stove (getting sick of going to the laundromat). But we're getting there. It'll all come together. I have faith that it will. I think New York has great things in store for us. Just need to get organized, get my shit together and figure out what I'm doing (ie, need to get my RN so I can make enough money to live, need Jason to find some kind of income, etc). I get a little nervous because our landlord keeps on talking about selling our house, but the nice thing about being a renter is that we can pick up and move to another rental anytime without having to sell a house first. Yeah, because in case you haven't noticed the real estate market is crap right now. I don't know that home ownership is all it's cracked up to be. I like the idea of being able to move wherever I want whenever I want. We'll see where life takes me. I love life. It's fabulous.

It's my birthday.

2011-08-31T11:19:00.002-04:00

Yep, 35 years ago I came into this world. In a hospital in Covina California, weighing in at 9lb 3oz. So insert my name in this song:

Hurricane Irene.

2011-08-29T18:08:00.000-04:00

By the time it reached us, it was called "Tropical Storm Irene". It seemed to hit hard in pockets and leave other areas unscathed. I was stuck at work for two nights over the weekend because of road closures that were related to flooding, downed trees and power lines, and areas of roads being "collapsed". Crazy. I couldn't call home because we have digital phone service that goes out when the power goes. I was in New Paltz and had no idea what was going on at home in Saugerties. Turned out that the reservoir had flooded out some of our neighbors and knocked down enough trees and power lines that we are going to be out of power for up to a week. The fire department had to come out today and drain our basement. (I'm blogging at my cousin's. He has internet and power. Came here to feed my family a hot meal--will probably be the last one for a while.) It can't be more than a week ago that there was an earthquake here too. Bizarre. It was really weird driving home from work this morning and seeing so many roads blocked off and trees being cleared off the road and people outside assessing the damage. It was a beautiful day today though. Absolutely gorgeous. The calm after the storm I guess. A house was on fire down the street from my cousin when we showed up today. He said it was probably from a power surge because the power has been on and off here. It's a crazy world. And I love it.