Provide and conquer.

Thank you James Blunt.

2012-02-03T04:40:00.000-05:00

For singing me to sleep the last few nights, and for telling me I'm beautiful.

One.

2012-02-03T04:32:00.000-05:00

It's now many days I have left to work before having the weekend off. It's how many nerves I have left. I hope nobody gets on it. I'm not 100%, but I'm about 85%, so don't mess with me world. Coffee's brewin'. I'm almost awake. Another day, another dollar...

Acceptance.

2012-02-02T18:43:00.000-05:00

I am getting there. It's the last stage of grief. I am grieving losing something that was special to me. My sons are still in another state but I know they are okay with their dad. I wish I felt sadder about my divorce. Maybe I will eventually. It was just such a long time coming. I wish I could say I missed my ex-husband but I really don't. I miss how things were years ago, but I don't miss how they were the past couple years. The last year especially. He even admitted that he hadn't been happy for the last year either. It was done. It was no shock to me. I knew that I was leaning too hard on meatball. I knew that losing him was going to be traumatic, and it was. It still is... I'm trying to get over him. I just feel like it is such a waste. He called what I wanted "a committed relationship." I called it showing me the respect I deserved. I hope that the other thing he held on to instead of me is better than what we had. Not sure how it could be, but whatever, that's his choice. And I am learning to accept it.

Five stages of grief. Yes, I have them memorized. Have for years.

*Denial
*Anger
*Bargaining
*Depression
*Acceptance

I'll get to acceptance. I feel like I am *this close*. Depression is lingering around. The anger is pretty much dead. Bargaining? I tried. It didn't work. I tried to tell myself that he would realize he had made a mistake. It's not going to happen. That is what I am learning to accept. It is my loss and it is his loss. We were happy spending time together once. It is so sad to me to just have to throw it all out the window. No, I'm not over him yet. I can't look at anybody else. I only had eyes for him. I still do. I wish I didn't. But I'll move on eventually. I just keep telling myself, "One day you will wake up and be over him. You won't think about him anymore." I hope I'm telling myself the truth.

Currently...

2012-02-01T20:50:00.000-05:00

...I love this song. I don't know why.

And currently...February in New York is feeling like February in California. It is beautiful out. You should see the night sky. Gorgeous. I love the night sky. I always stand and look at it and every time I do, I think about how I would get home in the dark and my neighbor Dell would be hiding behind my other car and would jump out and scare me. I miss that. Haha. I miss her. She hits me up on facebook fairly often. Tells she misses and loves me. I had some great friends in Idaho... If it wasn't for all those damn mormons, I might go back there, but no thanks. Pass.

Roots.

2012-02-01T14:09:00.003-05:00

Danish/Dutch/German/French. I might be a little bit off, but I'm something like that... And Yugoslavian and my birth certificate says I am half Mexican because my father was a Mexican citizen when I was born. Anyway. I like the map at the bottom of this. I like that Danish/Dutch are "Germanic languages".

Henry William Sagazie.

2012-02-01T13:38:00.006-05:00

Six feet under. I went and visited him today. You wouldn't believe what a beautiful day it is here. I sat on his grave. Then I laid down on his grave. One leg bent, the other crossed over it, hands behind my head. I watched the white clouds burgeon and swirl below the deep blue sky. I watched different shapes form, a "C", a fist held high, an angel with arms outstretched. The sun came and went from behind the clouds. Warm on my face when it was out. I heard the wind in the trees, I looked at the sun resting in pockets on the mountain. Blue Mountain. This is where I belong. I listened to the music pouring from the car windows, from the car that my mom gave me. My mom, half my grandfather, and I, half of her. All heart. He was. She is. I am.

This isn't really the pic I wanted. I have one of grandpa holding me when I was a little toe-headed curly-haired kid. I'll have to scan it in... This was before I was born. Mom, dad, Grandma, Grandpa, Matt, Marie and that must be my cousin Steven in the middle.

And here we are at Big Trees.

Grandpa, me, Matt, Melissa, Danny.

If I knew how to hate...

2012-02-01T12:52:00.000-05:00

...my life might be easier? Really. I am thinking that. I wish I knew how to hate. I wish I knew how to have that desire to cause problems for other people like they do to me...

Song of the moment. You're welcome.

What happens on my porch.

2012-02-01T12:13:00.002-05:00

It is a beautiful day. The sun is shining just for me. I sat on the porch. I love my porch. A warmish breeze was blowing on my face. I am in a good place at this moment.

Good things.

2012-02-01T11:14:00.002-05:00

(Don't worry, I'm doing laundry and cleaning up between blog posts.) So I finally figured out that everyone where I work thought I was a brand new nurse the whole time I had worked there because I had just gotten my NEW YORK STATE nursing license last April. So I finally talked to someone in HR and gave her a copy of my IDAHO nursing license. And I got a raise. Finally got a little of the respect I deserved, the recognition that I deserved. Sometimes things can go your way. It's not perfect, I am still making less than one person working there who IS a brand-new nurse, but whatever. I like her, she deserves it. And I don't know that my raise will make much difference because I have to start claiming fewer people now that I am a single mom with custody of three kids... But hey, it's something. Something good. I need more *something good*s in my life. Talked to California for a minute this morning. His voice soothes me. Might go to the city this weekend to get more Danny hugs. He is the love of my life. My baby brother. And you might not believe it, but I really am happy that my ex-husband is seeing someone. Really. I always wanted that for him. I told him to find someone before we split up. I told him he deserved someone who felt the same way about him that he felt about them. It's true. I didn't feel that way about him anymore. Good things are happening in my life. Bad things too, but I'll take the good with the bad. I'll be okay. I'll be great, as a matter of fact. I will rise above chaos and drama and back-stabbing and whatever else keeps bringing me down. I'll rise above it. I'll soar.

Flounder.

2012-02-01T10:51:00.001-05:00

That is what I am doing. Floundering. But ideas are building. My dreams are in the back of my mind. I am remembering who I am, what I plan to do with my life. I will quit floundering eventually. I will find my direction.

The hardest part is over.

Sing to me.

2012-02-01T10:15:00.004-05:00

Rob Thomas.

I love youtube. (I said it really fast...or typed it really fast.)

Peace.

2012-02-01T06:48:00.002-05:00

My blog soothes me. I feel better already. I am okay with decisions I have made in my life. A little sad, but I don't question anything as far as my divorce goes. Feeling more peaceful already after reading through my blog and listening to some music. I am going to have a great day...because I am not going to talk to any psychos!!!

Spin around.

2012-02-01T06:29:00.000-05:00

I'm sick of spinning around. Did I say I am sick of men? I am sick of women too. Had a talk with her last night. It didn't help me. At all. She had said she would quit talking about me, but told me about how she had been talking to people about me the day before. God, stay out of my life. I need to take my own advice and just worry about myself. Need to not talk to anyone. Especially the crazy and deranged.

Evil wins.

2012-01-31T20:49:00.003-05:00

That is how I feel right now. Fighting it is pointless. I tried to fight it. I tried to defend myself. It only made it worse.

Strippers.

2012-01-31T20:46:00.000-05:00

I'm naive. I really believe that. I don't understand why people do the things they do. I really always think that they mean well. But I called and talked to Katrina and seriously asked her, "Why would someone do _________?" And she gave me a reason. And it made total sense. See, I don't know these things. I was a stay-at-home mom for 11 years. I was raised a mormon. I don't know that people are nuts and I don't know why they do what they do. But I trust someone who has been a stripper for half of her life to know about the games women play. Did I say that I thought my ex-friend was well-intentioned? Well I did think that. Until Katrina told me otherwise. I really am not liking people that much right now. I keep standing up for these women who stab me in the back. I don't know why. I defended her at work just the other day. I stood up for the other friend today, who had told me what she told me yesterday. She probably said it to cause problems, and it did. It made me ill. It made me send a nasty text message. It shocked me. It is probably not true. She has lied to me before. She is nuts. So again, I ask, are there any NORMAL people out there? Are there any women who are not scandalous and back-stabbing and dishonest and crazy? I just so do not need this right now. I have noticed that when I am down is when people prey on me. When I am weak. It's not right. I'll be strong again and then they will leave me alone.

Save a place for me. Save a space for me.

2012-01-31T16:29:00.005-05:00

Dedicated to my sons in Idaho.

And...let the rivers wash over me. I'm ready.

Green dream.

2012-01-31T15:48:00.006-05:00

Green was the only color in the dream I had last night. So I looked up what it is supposed to mean.

"Green: Color meanings of green in dreams often point us in the direction of growth, healing, love, giving, and inspiration. Green corresponds with the heart chakra, which governs passion, love and healing. The Anahata is associated with the element of air, and so we see a different kind of love than what we experience in the primal red hues. Green is symbolic of communicating care on a subtle, energetic level. When we dream of green, we are imbued with a magical ability to transfer knowledge by unorthodox means. Green facilitates growth, love and healing by mental stimulation. Greeks believed intelligence came from the heart. This combined with the green of the heart chakra talks to us about emotional intelligence and communicating with an open heart. I realize I'm being vague here, this kind of ethereal communication isn't easily identified. However, we can look to mother nature for help in explanation. She speaks in viridian tongue - communicating a sea of burgeoning growth - all expressed by the color green. When we dream of green we're experiencing levels of healing and growth that are subtle. It's time to concentrate on the areas of our lives that need to flourish. Once we hone in, and begin to express our identification on an emotional (heart) level, our growth will be exponential and immense."

Found this here.

Then I had to look up the heart chakra. Here.

"In your human energy system, the center for unconditional love is located in the center of your chest. This is your fourth chakra. It governs the heart and circulatory system, respiratory system, arms, shoulders, hands, diaphragm, ribs/breasts and thymus gland.

Heart Chakra Issues
Many issues of love, grief, hatred, anger, jealousy, fears of betrayal, of loneliness, as well as the ability to heal ourselves and others are centered in the fourth chakra.

From this position in the middle of the body the fourth chakra is the balance between your body and spirit. This chakra is the place where unconditional love is centered. Unconditional Love is a creative and powerful energy that may guide and help us through the most difficult times. This energy is available in any moment, if we turn our attention to it and use it to free us from our limits and fears.

Ask yourself some of these questions:
•What emotional memories do I need to heal?
•What relationships current or past require healing?
•Are my emotional wounds taking over, causing me to try and control people or situations around me?
•Do I allow the wounds of others to control me? How do I let that happen?
•What do I need to forgive myself for? Who needs forgiving from me?

To have this fourth chakra energy fully touch our daily life requires intent and practice. This begins within our self, for without the ability to love ourselves, we cannot truly experience love from another or give it truly to another. In loving ourselves we allow the intent to generate the feeling of unconditional love within us, and then to share this feeling with others. Whatever we send out is returned to us."

Guardian Angel.

2012-01-31T15:30:00.001-05:00

I dreamed about him last night. I dreamed that I was driving along a road that was starting to flood. On the side of the road was a white two story house with green trim (sounds kind of like my house, but it wasn't). There was a river rushing by behind it. In my dream I thought to myself, "Wow, I almost moved into that house but I'm glad I didn't because it fell over off of it's foundation." Sure enough, it was tilted off to the side and not even on it's foundation. The foundation was still there with a little piece of it's white wall still stuck to it. I kept driving and came to a bridge. All of a sudden I was standing there and my car was gone. I needed a car to get over the bridge. I looked to my right and saw a shiny silver trailer/mobile home next to the tipped-over house. I realized that someone had moved out of the house and into that trailer. It actually looked very safe and clean and shiny. It was up on stilts, away from the water rushing by. Behind me the road was filling up with water and in front of me was this big paved bridge with a green railing. All of a sudden I realized that my grandpa (who is dead) was driving up the flooded road towards me. He was driving a silver volvo (and then I saw/heard about two silver volvos today--of course. I dunno...???) I wanted to ask him for a ride, but when I looked back, he was turning around in the water and starting to go back. Then it got really weird from there. I dunno. Another silver car, but it was a toy car and my grandpa and I were trying to cross the bridge, but there was a plexiglass door in our way, yada yada, crazy dream nonsense... I just thought it was an interesting dream. My grandpa is buried right up the hill from me. I do believe that he is my guardian angel. I believe that he guided me to this house, to this place. I belong here. I think about leaving, but I know that I can't. Not now. I still really want to change my last name to my mom's maiden name, my grandfather's last name. I want a name of my own. I don't want my parents' name, I don't want my ex-husband's name, I want a name of my own. We'll see.

Ding.

2012-01-31T15:12:00.006-05:00

I'm done. Nine day stretch is over. I was a little down today. A little tired, a little depressed, but I did okay, especially considering what was going on around me today.

Contention.
Tension.
Confrontation.
Miscommunication.
Aggravation.

I tried to diffuse one situation. "She just wanted the answer to a question. That's all. She had a right to ask and get an answer." My voice went unheard. I apologized to the person. The same person that had rocked my world yesterday with her, "If I'd known that you didn't know, I wouldn't have said anything." She said the same thing today. But I tend to be a friend to the friendless, a voice for the unheard, a shoulder to cry on. It's in my nature. It's why I'm a nurse. I'm just glad to have the day off tomorrow. So much drama, so much contention. So many high-strung people overreacting to situations. Had enough. Need my break. Need a rest. Maybe I'll clean all day tomorrow, or maybe I'll cry all day tomorrow. We'll see how it goes. I haven't cried much. I've raged and shook and said insane things and did insane things, but I haven't cried, but maybe once or twice. I'm glad. I hate crying and once I start crying, I have a hard time stopping. My eyes hurt though. Maybe a good cry would do me good. I am sad. How could I not be? I am a human being and I have emotions just like everyone else. I have been through a lot. I am moving forward slowly. My lows are not near as bad as they were. My raging/shaking fits don't really exist anymore, my stomach is not in knots all the time like it was before. I'm getting better. I'll be okay. I know that I will. I know I'll come out of this stronger and better than ever. I'm impatient though. I want to be done with feeling misery, it's not a state I like to be in. I want to be over HIM. My divorce came on slowly, the other thing was a shock. It left me reeling. And then instead of support, I got stabbed in the back by people who were supposed to be friends. How did you expect me to feel? How did you expect me to act? I am human. No matter how much people don't want me to be, no matter how much they want me to be a robot without emotions, I just can't be anything but who I am and what I am. I am okay with who I am and if other people are not, that's their problem. What other people need to do is take a good look at themselves, because they have problems of their own. I know what reality is/was, no matter how much they try to tell me that it was some other reality. I may not be the sharpest tool in the shed when it comes to reading people or situations (apparently anyways, I trust all the wrong people, think people care about me when they really don't). But don't worry because I'm a rockstar, about to get the show on. An allstar, about to get my game on. (Thanks for the cheesy lyrics Smashmouth).

Breaking the mold. I was once told by a lady at work that after they made me, they broke the mold. Haha. (My residents mostly all adore me. I don't say it to be arrogant or anything, I say it because it's true. People may be a little on my nerves lately, but I still love them. I am still a people person. That is why people love me--because I love them. Everyone wants to feel loved.)

June 20, 2011.

2012-01-30T20:22:00.000-05:00

That's how far I just read back in my blog. I have had a VERY DIFFICULT YEAR. But I'm strong and I'll be okay. That is the recurring theme of my blog, of my life.

California. New York.

2012-01-30T16:39:00.000-05:00

I want to thank my friend "California" for letting me talk his head off for forty-eight minutes... I feel much better. I have girlfriends I could talk to, but for some reason a man's voice soothes me. I've noticed that I choose a man's voice to sing me to sleep at night (thanks for last night Jim Croce, wherever you are). Maybe because a man was my best friend for 15-ish years or so. Maybe because a man's perspective on things is bound to be different than mine, a woman's. Anyways, the point I am at is, I don't care to hear anything about anyone ever again. Because it's none of my business and it's none of my concern. Tired of people making my business their business and tired of people making other people's business my business. Sick of drama.

So, anyhoo...I live in New York now and I wanted to tell you how we do things out here. We don't talk to each other, we too-alk to each other. We don't call each other, we coo-all each other. We don't drink coffee, we drink coo-offee. We don't drink water, we drink woo-ater. We say, "It is what it is." We say, "Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right, right, right," to let people know that we too-otally know what they're talking about. We say, "Not for nothin', but..." And as Shannen explained, that means, "Normally I wouldn't say anything, but your ass needs to know." A toll booth lady just told me that the other day. (P.S. We don't have freeways here, we have thruways, because the roads ain't free. Ain't nothin' free in New York...) Anyways, speaking of toll booth operators, I really miss Dori. I miss coming home late from work after hanging with friends at the bar. I have no social life anymore. My life has changed so much. I think I am getting better at accepting what my life is and embracing it. It's a scary world out there though. I know I just said I like talking to a man 3000 miles away, but when it comes to men here...don't look at me. Don't talk to me. Especially if you are married or damaged or disgusting. Yeah, I joke a lot, I used to flirt (but have ceased). But the fact is that I have an absolute aversion to actually having any kind of contact with a man that might lead to something... I had a man. I adored him. I only had eyes for him. I felt safe with him. Then it changed. How and why and when is complicated. I've mentioned before, all the things that he did to betray me in a short period of time. It was three-ish years ago (or four?), you'd think I would have gotten over it, but somehow I just got tired of him. I was done with him. I couldn't stand to look at him. Then I had another man. I adored him. I only had eyes for him. But I thought he felt the same way about me and he didn't. It broke my heart. And that is where I am at right now. A little heart-broken, a little sad. Don't want to look at men. Don't want to know they exist. Except for California. I can use his voice once in a while. I can use hearing, "Remember when we were kids and we went to that dance?" "Remember when we kissed on the driveway?" Yeah, I remember that. I remember him. I know him. That's why I know not to trust him. LOL. I asked him today, "Haven't you cheated on every girl you've ever been with?" Hahahaha. He said, "Well not EVERY girl I've ever been with. Lots of things are said about me, but my game isn't quite as big as everybody thinks." Sure. Haha. But I love him. He's a friend. Always has been, always will be. (I hope so anyways, I thought I would always have meatball for a friend and somewhere that went horribly wrong...)

300

2012-01-30T14:53:00.002-05:00

This makes 300 posts. (But I'll delete some. And then post more.) Anyways, this is how a heart breaks.

Day eight and...

2012-01-30T14:39:00.002-05:00

...the world made me sick today. Like serious sick-to-my-stomach-want-to-vomit-my-brains-out-sick. SICK. My peace got shattered. See no evil, hear no evil. Where are my ear plugs? Where is my blindfold? Where is my shelter from psychos? There is none I guess. What I heard about someone made me ill. Whether it is true or not, it makes me ill. If it is true, then it is just one more lie he told me, one more thing to help me in the getting-over-him process. If it's not true, it makes me sick that someone would say it. Where in the hell did it come from? "I thought you knew, or I wouldn't have said anything." Nope, hadn't heard anything like it. If it's true, it makes me re-examine some of the things he said, makes them make more sense. Are there any HONEST people in this world? I know one reason people lie. Because they believe that their lies are truth. Learned that recently. Don't lie to me. Don't talk to me. Let me crawl under a rock and never talk to another person again. That is the mode I am in right now. That is the mood I am in right now. The world makes me sick.

When it rains it pours, I guess. I have had a divorce, lost two of my sons, been hurt by people who I trusted. I have had it. I need to start moving onward and upward. Stop dragging me back down world!

Songs of the day.

2012-01-29T23:19:00.006-05:00

You love it, admit it. (Bust out your banana clips ladies, the eighties/early nineties are coming back. I saw a girl on the train recently with a banana clip and my daughter just bought herself some scrunchies. Pretty soon we'll all be poofing up our bangs again and wearing jeans that come up to our ribs again. LOL.)

Another flashback:

Oh boy, I've got issues today. Haha.

OMG! Where is my crimper when I need it?! Great makeup Taylor Dayne. Who is your Mary Kay consultant? LOL!

Love this. Keep hearing it on the radio, it's not a flashback. More current. :)

Day seven.

2012-01-29T15:01:00.002-05:00

Seven days without a day off and two more to go. It was an okay day. I have a certain point on my commute home that I start to think and I get knots in my stomach. I don't want to think. I don't want to have those knots. Everything is okay. And it is going to get better. I haven't had any serious lows in what? Two, three days? And my lows are not as bad as they were, no anxiety attacks lately. I told our unit clerk one day to tell the other nurse that her resident was having an anxiety attack and that nurse came rushing to find me because she thought it was me having the anxiety attack. Nope. Not me. I'm good. Cool as a cucumber almost always. Felt a little stressed today just because one of the people I was working with is so high-strung/high-stress. That is not me. When chaos breaks out I stay calm, I pride myself on that. I've known other nurses that were high-strung like that. One I worked with before actually had a doctor say about him, "It doesn't help when you have a nervous nurse." A nurse should not be nervous. Yes, our job is sometimes life/death. It doesn't matter. No matter what happens, a nurse should be able to keep their cool. That is a nurse's job. I'll admit that sometimes I run short on patience. When that happens I try to step back from the situation, step away from the person who is trying my patience. I may have been losing it at the beginning-ish of this month, I may have had a little relapse here and there, but I am strong, I am cool, calm and collected. I have faith that EVERYTHING will be okay in the end. Life is too short to run around worrying about everything, trying to control people, trying to control situations, trying to do other people's jobs. No thanks. I am loving day shift. The CNAs work hard and I have time to get my work done. I do not have any need to create extra drama or stress in my life. Some people thrive on it, it is a lifestyle for them, a way of life. Not me. When I am like that, I say "This is a problem, this is not how I want to be." Some people seem to enjoy being in a constant state of chaos, I don't. Keep your chaotic/dramatic/stressed-out/high-strung lifestyle away from me. I want nothing to do with it. Peace, love and happiness. It's all I'm looking for and I don't believe that it is hard to find. I believe it can be very easy to find. Happiness is a choice. Being peaceful is a choice. Of course sometimes we can't find it within ourselves. I have struggled with it this last month, but I am happy to say that today I am at a very peaceful place.

Music.

2012-01-28T22:43:00.000-05:00

It is really saving my life right now. Is it crazy to love music this much? I can't really live without it when I'm doing okay, now that I'm struggling I feel like it is saving my life. The past few nights I was having trouble sleeping so I put my cd player next to my bed and let Eric Hutchinson sing me to sleep. Thank you Eric Hutchinson. So thankful for music. Grateful to have found my old CD case with so many great artists in it. Dancing, singing, these are a couple of my favorite things to do. Music is so important to me. Am I the only one that feels that way? Am I addicted to music? Is someone going to tell me to get in a 12-step program because I enjoy music too much? Just wondering.

"I could have another you in a minute."

2012-01-28T22:23:00.001-05:00

"And in fact, he'll be here in a minute." I did have another man in a minute. I didn't necessarily want him but he popped up the very next day after Meatball and I called it quits. (Like 12 hours later or something, really.) I talked to him every day for about a week. Then one of my best friends told me he had just messaged her on facebook that same week. I was like, "not cool." And ignored all his texts after that. For quite a while. Finally one day when he texted to ask how I was doing, I responded. I told him I was pissed that he was trying to pick up my friend on fb at the same time he was talking to me. He said, "Well, not really, I just said hi." I guess so. She emailed me the message he had sent that week and some other messages he had sent a while back. It's nice to have someone who texts me every day to ask how I'm doing. It's nice to have someone who is concerned about HOW I am doing, not WHAT I am doing. It's nice to have someone who talks TO ME, NOT ABOUT ME. There could never be any future in it, I know him too well. I wish I could fall for someone who I could have a future with. I did fall for someone, but it turned out that his future plans did not include me. I started to fall apart and he ran. Then I really fell apart and he ran farther and faster. I don't blame him. I was nuts. But I'm sane now. Today I am over him. But tomorrow I might not be. I never know from day to day. I really thought I knew his heart. I thought I knew him. But I'm not sure that I did. I miss him though. At least I have California. (As I will call my long-distance guy-friend in California.) It's nice to have someone who cares...or at least acts like they do.

Medicine.

2012-01-28T21:03:00.002-05:00

A certain person said that they would stop talking about me behind my back if I would stop talking about them behind their back. Wow. Turns out giving someone a taste of their own medicine sometimes works. Yeah, people in glass houses should definitely not throw stones.

Rockin' out!

2012-01-28T19:09:00.002-05:00

Haha. Enjoying horrifying my kids by puttin' on a show. Singing to the spatula that I cooked them pancakes with for dinner (yeah, I'm THAT kind of mom). Rockin' out man! Haha. I love being a retard. Just waitin' on some clothes to finish washing. Dishes are done, the kids "fort" is cleaned up and put away. Now Jay is building a fort in a different room. Don't think I'll be in bed by 8pm like I was last night, but yeah. 9pm for sure. What an exciting life I lead.

Rollin'!!!

I can totally rock out to this song. You would love it trust me. You would laugh your ass off. I got told at work that I would never make the pop charts and to not quit my day job (It's okay, I tease her back). Another person said it was like Comedy Central when I was at work. Haha. You should see me at HOME! Glad to stay away from love songs. Although I do have this darling friend at work who loves to sing this song except that she is so darn cute and sweet that she sings, "I'm gonna write you a love song."

I'm like, "It's 'I'm NOT gonna write you a love song.'" Haha. And when she told me she was going on break the other day or asked me something (bad memory) I told her, "Well, I'm not gonna write you a love song." And she said, "'Cause I need one? 'Cause I asked for it?" Love her. I would write her a love song. Haha.

Songs of the moment.

2012-01-28T18:30:00.002-05:00

I love YouTube. And I learned this little phrase from a blog I follow:

"If someone says "I love you" and you don't feel the same way, just say "I love YouTube" really fast."

The Beatles song I'm listening to for some reason is making me miss this song:

I don't know why, but I have always LOVED this song! I might have the CD somewhere. Have to check it out...

Q69.

2012-01-28T15:40:00.001-05:00

If you're not familiar with medical terminology, let me inform you that "Q" means "every." For example, Q8hrs = every 8 hours. So when I first read the title from the passive aggressive notes blog post I laughed! God, how I miss sex. Don't see anyone I'd be willing to do it with though, so...too bad for me. But yeah, for a good laugh, go here.
I loved the comments too. I loved the guy who said that Q69 was obviously the sexiest bus route. Well hells yes!
And P.S. if you don't know what 69 is, you disgust me and should stay away from my blog!

My slutty scrubs.

2012-01-28T15:09:00.000-05:00

I have two scrub tops that I bought for $7.99 apiece at Burlington coat factory. I just couldn't resist scrub tops for that cheap. Pretty quickly, I realized that they were a bit too low cut. My cleavage showed, my "titty tat" showed. Not classy. Not classy at all. So I still wear them...but only on weekends (no bosses around, lol). I wear a tank top underneath but today it didn't want to stay up and I was running around crazy this morning as complete chaos broke out (as it always does on weekends). So to all the people at *insert name of SNF here*, you are welcome. Yeah, so like I said, weekends are always chaos. I don't mind working weekends as far as, I don't have much of anything better to do, but I don't like working them just for the fact that they are always chaos. So we started out with 5 CNAs. Then one called, her car had broken down and she had been giving one of the other CNAs a ride. Down two CNAs. I redid the run sheets. Then another was a no-call, no-show and another came from a different unit and they called her back. Down to one CNA. Not cool. One nurse got on the phone to the other unit and said, "I know we need that CNA more than you do." Got one back. The one who had been getting a ride called. I told her if she got a cab I would pay for it. Then I looked in my wallet. Five dollars. Crap. I went to the little ATM down the hall. The door to it was locked. Called security, they didn't have a key. One nurse said she had cash in the car, then came back later and said, "I have three dollars." CRAP. I RAN full speed to my car and drove to the ATM at the gas station. Got $20 out. Gave it to the guys at the front desk, said, "This is for a girl who shows up in a cab." She shows up on the unit, "It costs $35." CRAP! I ask around, "Does ANYONE have some cash to pitch in for this cab?" Nope. No cash. I take my five dollars and the other nurse's three dollars and go to the front desk. "Do either of you security guys have seven dollars? Any cash at all?" One pulled out some cash. I don't even know who it was...don't know his name, but I now owe him seven dollars... But at least we were up to three CNAs. One girl from night shift stayed for a few hours and helped. I was a little late getting my meds done, but they got done. Didn't get out too late. Everything worked out okay. Overall it was an okay day. I think work helps keep me sane. Keeps my mind off things that I don't want to think about. So it was probably a good thing that I worked my day off. Now I've gotta try to clean my house some and do some laundry. Gotta keep busy. Keep my mind off backstabbers and losses in my life... I'll be okay. I'm up and down. Today I'm somewhere in between up and down.

My day off.

2012-01-27T15:58:00.005-05:00

I wound up working. I had a great day though. The last few days had been really rough. Yesterday I was at the lowest of the low. Today I laughed, I hugged, I kissed, I joked, I danced, I sang. One lady told me I was the silliest person God ever made. I told her that was a compliment. I do take that as a compliment. Light-hearted, kind, fun, laid-back, easy-going, loving, trusting, caring. That is me. I have been having a rough time lately but I think it has brought out more compassion in me. I have day shift down to a science and have actually finished my work a half hour early the last couple days, so I have spent time sitting in my residents' rooms and talking to them. They need that. They need attention. They need to feel that someone cares. I have been getting one fella to take his meds when he had been refusing them for weeks. I think it's because I sit there and talk to him while he takes them. He needs to be talked to. He needs to be treated like a human being. Yesterday I sat and talked to a lady who often acts out, for quite a while. She told me that she wished she would just die. I was sad yesterday. I just joined her in her sadness. I told her, "Well, we'll all get our turn." Today she said the same thing, but I was happy. I told her, "But we'd miss you too much!" "But nobody even likes me." "Well I like you." Got a new patient today. Very confused. I was afraid he would fall and my shift was over, so I sat in his room with him. I talked to him and reassured him. He reminded me of my dad a lot. His looks, his voice. I will care for him just like I would my own father. Love. Compassion. I am full of it. I was glad to be happy today and be able to share that with the people around me. People enjoy being around me. I love my old folks so much. And they love me. What's not to love? I'm great. Now I better go share my love and compassion and patience with my kids.

And I was worried...

2012-01-26T18:55:00.001-05:00

I was more worried about Jason than I was about myself for a long time. Well it turns out that he has found somebody already. I'm glad. We are on good terms and there is no reason for us not to be. I'll learn to be happy on my own and maybe someday I'll find somebody who makes me happy. I had somebody who made me happy, but lost him. I am really grieving that loss. I miss him. I wish I didn't, but I do. We had some really good times. He was a good friend. He was full of advice. I miss that.

Repeat. Replay. Remind.

2012-01-26T18:19:00.002-05:00

Reminding myself.

I told you.

2012-01-26T17:55:00.001-05:00

My session with my therapist today was filled with long stretches of silence. I told her that I didn't feel listened to and pointed out how when I told her my divorce was final she said, "But he just left two weeks ago." Wrong. He left three months ago. Then soon after that she was talking about how I had been busy "raising four kids." Um, wrong again. Make that five. Not impressed. She doesn't give a shit about me. The advice she gives is common sense and nothing that I don't already know. Not that she gives a lot of advice. I'd be better off sitting and talking to a wall for an hour once a week. I told her I didn't want to make another appointment to see her, that I had to "think about it." Yeah, I thought about it. I won't be wasting my time and my $25 copay with her again. I know that therapy can be helpful, it helped me once before. But this is not helping me.

Pain. Agony.

2012-01-26T14:18:00.002-05:00

That is what my life has become. It feels hard to stand, my arms feel like dead weight. Holding my head up feels hard. I want to lay down and not get up until this pain is gone. Misery. I just hurt. Emotionally and physically. I can tell everyone at work feels sorry for me. I feel sorry for making them feel sorry. I wish I could just get over it. Just had so many losses lately that I hardly know what to do.

Circus acts.

2012-01-25T19:00:00.001-05:00

Didn't I say my life was full of them? So my therapist's office called to confirm my appointment. I said, "I don't really want to see the same therapist. Can I see this other one that someone recommended to me?" The receptionist said, "Sure. I have to ask my director and call you back with an appointment to see the other person." Phone rang a while later. I thought, "Oh, it's the receptionist calling to make me a new appointment with the other person." Nope. Surprise! It was the therapist I've been seeing. She basically begged me to keep seeing her. Really? I mean, is it me or is that bizarre? I told her that I didn't feel like our sessions were very productive, that I was just sitting around rehashing things that I'd talked about so much I couldn't stand it. She said she would change, we could do things differently...??? Okay. I am not very assertive or I would have just said, "No. Let me see the other therapist." ???????????? Crazy, bizarre, circus acts. This is my life.

January 24, 2012.

2012-01-24T22:34:00.001-05:00

So I texted Jason today. I told him I hadn't taken the class that was required for our divorce to be final. He said it was too late to take it. I asked him what effect that had on the divorce. He said, "Nothing. We are divorced already. Today as a matter of fact." Interesting. So today is the day. Tomorrow will be my first day as a divorced woman. I better get used to the phrase "ex-husband" now. I talked to my older sons. And then I cried. I miss them. I haven't cried much. But talking to them did it to me. They are okay with their dad. He is a good father. I'll be okay. I'll adjust to being a single parent, to not having all of my children with me, to the children I have with me not having a father around. We'll be okay. Goodbye Jason. We will remain friends, I am sure of it. He is not a bad person. I wish my feelings for him hadn't changed, but they did. We had become such different people. I still feel that I chose a good father for my children. We will all be okay.

Magical.

2012-01-24T21:53:00.000-05:00

That's how my evening was. Went to a meeting. Smiled all the way home. Shannen went with me. At the end we each picked up a card that caught our eye. Each card had a quote on it. This was mine:

"I see myself attracting only those in harmony with my current intent. And I am getting clearer and clearer in every moment about what it is that I want. It matters not what others are choosing...what is important is that I am pleased with me; and as I see myself, I certainly am." ~Esther and Jerry Hicks

I am an amazing person. I'll be okay. I don't know if I know exactly what I want out of life right now. I feel like I am floundering. But I'll figure it out. And I will get everything that I want out of life.

I'll be okay.

2012-01-24T15:00:00.000-05:00

Is that what you want me to say?

It's what I want to believe.

Toys R Us Times Square.

2012-01-23T19:54:00.000-05:00

We had fun there. We went on the Ferris Wheel in the Toy Story 2 car.

I bought the kids each one of these Squirmles. I didn't know there was a string attached to it and I even played with one at the store. I thought it moved from static electricity or something...until Danny told me. Haha.

I figured that out when we were eating here:

Yeah, that's us in the limo. Not. :)

That's funny.

2012-01-23T16:27:00.002-05:00

I keep thinking about how when I was in Idaho everyone got pissed that I flirted because I was married. Now I'm getting a divorce and people get pissed off if I look at a guy. Yeah, so I haven't been looking. Not talking to anyone of the opposite gender. I guess I'm not allowed.

Good grief.

2012-01-23T15:14:00.001-05:00

Grieving. That is what I'm doing. Grieving all sorts of losses in my life. Spewing out all kinds of crazy in the process. Please be kind to me world. Don't kick me when I'm down.

I knew it!

2012-01-22T21:06:00.001-05:00

I freaking knew that I had missed my calling in life!!! I was meant to be a taxi driver in New York City!!! Danny "hired a car" to take us to the train station from his place. It wasn't actually a yellow NYC taxi which I have seen bazillions of, but never been in. It was some crazy dude in a minivan. He was driving like a maniac, no blinker, honking at everybody. I knew it! That is my dream job! That is how I drive! New mission: Find out how to become a taxi driver in NYC! LOL.

Danny's.

2012-01-22T16:53:00.003-05:00

He didn't like my current favorite band, Foster the People. This is his favorite band.

I believe you, Eric Hutchinson.

2012-01-22T16:40:00.003-05:00

I deserve the best.

The sights, the sounds, the smells.

2012-01-22T15:38:00.001-05:00

I remember the first time I ever rode the subway. It was with my grandma. I was around the same age Maudie is now. The thing that I remembered the most was THE SMELL. When we stepped off the train at Grand Central Station, the first thing Maudie said was, "What is that smell?" Haha. Like mother, like daughter. Having a good day. Went to Times Square. Rode the ferris wheel in Toys 'R' Us, shopped a little. Sitting at Danny's right now. Feeling like a nap... Not a very good houseguest...

P.S. I love to embarrass my daughter in public. Yeah, she didn't really like it when I said, "I'll dance on this pole," speaking about the pole on the subway that we were both holding onto. And then I started to do it. LOL. I fucking love being me. I'm nuts. Fun-nuts. Glad to be myself again.

My ass.

2012-01-22T07:31:00.002-05:00

Hahahaha. I bought this new pair of jeans at DEB when I went shopping with Kelly in the mall. The kids are getting ready and I keep looking at my ass in the mirror and saying, "Geez, my ass looks GREAT in these jeans." haha. I make myself laugh. Glad I'm wearing a short sweatshirt so everyone can see how great my ass looks in these jeans. Best $14.99 ever spent! LOL.

Six didn't happen.

2012-01-22T06:46:00.002-05:00

Hit my snooze alarm three times. But I'm up, gonna have some delicious and nutritious Pepto-Bismol for breakfast (because yeah, like I said...) New York City here I come. And I'm bringing three kids to terrorize you too. Taking the world by storm. As soon as I wake up... Hello energy drink.

Six.

2012-01-21T20:45:00.001-05:00

I'm into numbers today. Six is the number of loads of laundry I did today and still have to put away. Six is the number of loads of laundry I would still have to do to be completely caught up (not gonna happen). Blankets and etc did not get washed. Necessities only. Socks, towels, clothes. Six is the time I plan to get up in the morning and head to Brooklyn. Six. The number of the day.

This blog post has been brought to you by Sesame Street. (Not really).

BTW, did we ever figure out if Bert and Ernie are a gay couple or not?

It's amazing...

2012-01-21T15:09:00.000-05:00

...what I can find when I clean out under my bed. My music is coming back to me. I was wondering where all my CDs were. I keep saying, "I used to have this CD, I used to have that CD." (Yeah, I'm old-fashioned like that, sorry.) So I found this case full of CDs when I was cleaning out under my bed. I had found a small case with a few in it the other day. I actually found an Everlast CD in my kitchen drawer right after I posted an Everlast song on my blog. Been listening to that for days. Then I was listening to Ozzy Osbourne when I found my whole case. I'm listening to my Tracy Chapman CD right now. So exciting. Some CDs in my case(s)?

Cinderella, The Doors, The Eagles, The Beatles, Sheryl Crow, Smashmouth, Shakira, BeeGees, Miles Davis, soundtrack to O Brother Where Art Thou, Paula Cole, Pink, The Doobie Brothers, soundtrack to Grease, Creedence Clearwater Revival, Akon, Eric Clapton, Led Zeppelin, Nelly Furtado, Karyn White, 50 Cent, "Monster Ballads", Red Hot Chili Peppers (I have found like 3 of their CDs), AC/DC, Eric Hutchinson, a bunch of "Now" CDs, Jim Croce, Madonna, Aerosmith, Dire Straits, Amy Winehouse...

Good Lord, I'm in Heaven. I hardly know where to begin!

Where is it?

2012-01-20T18:44:00.000-05:00

Oh, there it is. My bullshit button.

Now where's my Zyrtec?

Songs of the moment.

2012-01-20T15:21:00.000-05:00

Was rocking out to this in Shannen's car last night. Love Gwen Stefani. "This shit is bananas! B-A-N-A-N-A-S!"

Was singing this at work. Love Pink.

Crunchy Songbird.

2012-01-20T15:16:00.001-05:00

So a girl at work called me "honey bun". Then she said, "Because you're sweet and crunchy and cute." I was like, "Wait. Crunchy? I'm crunchy? What are you trying to say?" Haha. Another person called me a songbird because I'm always singing (so glad to have my voice back, I was sick for ages and had no voice).

My first...

2012-01-19T20:34:00.000-05:00

...New York snow. Real snow. Not a lot, but it's nice. Quiet and peaceful. I've always loved the way the snow looks in the headlights of the car at night. Magical.

The soundtrack to my life...

2012-01-19T17:44:00.002-05:00

...is building itself on my blog. Ran across this one. This was my FAVORITE for a LONG TIME!

Take it.

2012-01-19T17:20:00.010-05:00

I had this stuck in my head one day. I was singing it to my sphygmomanometer/ microphone (you'd be amazed how fast I just typed the word sphygmomanometer...I told you I loved that word). Someone said, "That's a country song." I was like, "No!!!" I don't do country. Nuh uh. No way. I was like, "It's Pat Benatar or something." An "older" fella who works there said, "It's Janis Joplin." Whew. That was a close one. I almost thought I was singing a country song (and maybe it is, but not originally).

I don't know where it came from. I always have some song stuck in my head and drive people crazy with my singing it over and over. Today Kelly was like, "How long are you gonna have that song stuck in your head?" I said, "About six hours." Haha. The rest of the shift. It's Adele. I bought her CD a while back and always have "Set Fire to the Rain" in my head.

Turns out Melissa Etheridge can rock that song too!

And okay, Faith Hill had her own version, apparently way back when high-hair and high-waisted jeans were in style...

"The fuck-word."

2012-01-19T17:07:00.002-05:00

I knew it was gonna be a good day because it started out like this: The night shift nurse said, "I hope I don't get written up, because I said the fuck-word in front of that lady." I said, "I like how you don't say 'the f-word' but 'the fuck-word.'" She was taking a drink of water as I said it. That water spewed out of her mouth like a fountain, all over the nurse's station. Haha. I love her. I told her I had been having some tummy troubles. When she left she said, "I thought of you when I went to the bathroom, that toilet doesn't always flush so well." I was like, "Glad I could leave you something to remember me by." Haha. We laughed. People are great. Not all of them, not all of the time, but today they were. A glorious day. (Until I came home to the kids fighting...)

Glorious.

2012-01-19T17:06:00.000-05:00

That was the kind of day I had. I felt JOY. I felt like me. I laughed, I giggled, I smiled, I joked, I danced, I sang, I hugged, I kissed. I laughed about the gossiping that is going on behind my back. I don't care. I laughed about the drama. I am not quite laughing over losing two of the best friends that I had. I thought they were going to be there for me, but no. I am making new friends though. Got paid today. Thought my paycheck would be small, but that holiday pay and sick pay added up. Was bigger than I thought. A lot bigger. Went shopping. Ransacked the mall with Kelly. Retail therapy. Three new pairs of shoes, two new pairs of pants. A dozen pairs of earrings from Claire's, new toy from Spencer's (Yeah, I said it. They do wear out ya know! I've been through a hundred probably. Haha.) Lotion and body spray from Victoria's secret (75% off). Was questioning my last purchase, a sweater from Christopher & Banks which is going out of business, for $9.99. Put it on when I got home...ahhhh...perfection. Best $9.99 ever spent. Can't wait to wear my new Chuck Taylors to work tomorrow. Black ones. Haven't had black ones in a while, thought it was time. And all that for about a hundred and fifty bucks! God, I really know how to shop.

Two-dollar hookers.

2012-01-18T22:13:00.000-05:00

So Shannen took me to a Mary Kay party in Kingston. We were looking for it and I was like, "The only thing I know around here is that bar over there." Shannen said, "There's a bar over there?!" Last week when I had suggested we go to the bar in Saugerties, she was like, "There's a bar in Saugerties?!" Uh, duh. A whole bunch of them. LOL. So after our Mary Kay makeovers I told her we better get a drink at the bar since we looked like two-dollar hookers. Haha. It was dead. Bartender was cute though. Yeah, fond memories of holding my friend's hair back as she puked at that bar...

Just to bore you.

2012-01-18T09:32:00.002-05:00

I love this song.

Meet my brother Matt.

2012-01-17T18:33:00.000-05:00

Yeah, you'll be hard pressed to find him without a tie on. But this picture of him made me smile. Just taken on Christmas. He is two years older than me and always used to beat me up when we were kids. But we've had our good times too. He is married, has four children now. Is a Mechanical Engineer, has an MBA, is a serious penny-pincher, works out, eats right, plays guitar, sings, totally disciplined, super sensible. My opposite. Haha. Glad to catch him in a goofy moment. You'd be hard pressed to find me dressed up (I love scrubs, they're like jammies.) Don't work out, eat junk food, don't pinch pennies. If I have pennies, I'll roll them, take them to the bank and cash them and then spend them! Haha. I'm the goofball and the words disciplined & sensible are not in my vocabulary.

Snow.

2012-01-17T15:19:00.000-05:00

I walked out my door today and found maybe a half an inch (or less) of snow. Roads were clear. Saw about eight snow plows out. Not even sure that there are eight roads in the small town I live in. Heard on the radio that all the schools were on 2-3 hour delays or cancelled. Really? For your quarter inch of snow? This feels like June in Idaho. New Yorkers, I'm sorry, but you are wimps. At least people weren't driving 10 mph on the thruway like I've seen them do in rain storms.

Circadian rhythm.

2012-01-17T15:15:00.003-05:00

Circadia. Sounds like a cross between a circus and an arcade. Sounds like my life right now. Full of strange acts and games that I always lose at. I feel like my moments of insanity are getting shorter and farther between. Hope so anyways. I'll be alright eventually. Am getting used to my new schedule. Am getting a rhythm going at work. Have I mentioned that I rock? I danced and sang at work. I have all this nervous energy. Not really used to it. It's a little bit disturbing, but I buzz around work like a bumblebee, kicking ass and taking names. It's nice to have a routine, to keep busy. If only I didn't have the knots in my stomach and the unwanted thoughts in my head so often. Strange acts. By myself and others. The circus/arcade that is my life. Up and down and round and round. When will this roller coaster ride end? It's making me sick to my stomach, it's making me dizzy. I want my feet on solid ground again. Want my land-legs back.

Glide.

2012-01-16T14:53:00.001-05:00

More drama. Another anxiety attack. A short one. By the time I left work, I was so mellow. I feel like I just CAN NOT CARE about anything right now. Gliding above all the drama, all the problems. Glad to feel this way. So calm. Tired. Calm. Cool. Maybe not collected, but absolutely carefree. Don't even care. About anything.

Note: If you are worried about me, if you care about me, then be there for me. Talk to me, not about me. Yeah, that would make sense right? Don't make drama where there doesn't need to be any. Give me a break right now. I don't have the energy for your drama. Don't make something out of nothing. That would be just fabulous.

Pictures.

2012-01-15T20:11:00.000-05:00

My life has changed and my pictures are changing. Putting away pictures of Jason and I. That part of my life is over. My daughter can't stand to look at them anyway. She flips them over or puts them away where she can't see them. I have dug out more pictures of my friends and I. I framed a pic of Jamie and I in Reno several years ago. She has been my friend for thirty years this year. She is my family. A life partner of some sort. Katrina is too. I went online and ordered copies of pictures of her and I. Ordered more pics of my sister, my nieces, less of Jason, more of other people who have been and are important in my life. Change.

I was handy then.

2012-01-14T22:07:00.003-05:00

Was just thinking about my time working at the hospital. I was handy...I had worked in the lab. You needed a CBC in the middle of the night? No problem, I can draw it, I can run it, here's your result. Rapid strep test? Sure, I've done dozens, I know where they are. I am a talented throat swabber. You need a procedure scheduled? Sure I used to schedule the OR, I can schedule just about anything. You need to know where an NG tube is? Sure I used to stock the OR, I can find it down there (just don't tell them that I didn't change into surgical scrubs to go into the empty OR in the middle of the night). IV poles? Maybe in "short stay" where I once worked. (It's something else now.) Gurney? Shucks, that's easy, used to clean them, put linen on them, maveuver patients on them, no problem. Different size blood pressure cuffs? Pre-op has millions of them. Different size gowns? Endo. Pregnancy test? Pre-op. Extra dynamaps? PACU. Different size masks? OR. Magazines? Surgical waiting room, lab waiting room, X-ray (don't ever tell them it was me stealing their magazines...) It was fun wandering the quiet hospital at night. It was quiet because it was a surgical/OB hospital. We didn't even have an ER. Well, we had one but it wasn't up and functioning yet. It was in the "old" pain clinic. They were always rearranging. They added on while I was there. Wheelchairs? Steal them from L&D. They won't mind. Just don't heat up those bags of IV fluids and put them on OB patients who had had epidurals and couldn't feel that they were having the shit burnt out of them...just letting you know. (It wasn't me! I only worked in L&D one night shift--that's where I met Jeanette. Love her.) And speaking of blanket warmers...I miss them! So many times I think how I would love to put a nice warm blanket on one of my cold little loves where I work now. I used to put one around myself in the middle of cold nights. Ahhh. Heaven. A place to sleep? Let me direct you to the MD lounge in OB with a lovely bed. And...yep, I even remember the code. Need a snack? I can help you with that. Doctor's lounge next to PACU has the best ones. Always has candy. Of course I know the code. Worked at both the urgent cares. Knew those places well. I heard they closed one. It's funny because one guy trained me (my friend Josh who killed himself a couple years ago--miss him). Couple weeks later I was training someone else and because I didn't want to work full-time that guy was soon my boss. Interesting world. Yep, I was handy then. Kinda miss those days. My job is a lot different now. When I left there, I had five patients at a time. I'd get there early and look at each of their charts. H&P, allergies, meds, I knew about them. I went to each one and did a full assessment on them. I monitored their I&Os, I hung IV fluids, I pushed IV meds, I bumped up CPMs, helped them get SCDs on and off, passed pain pills like nobody's business, carried alcohol swabs like crazy because they have SO MANY USES. (Wave them under someone's nose, goodbye nausea, can't unhook that IV port? Wrap an alcohol swab around it and twist, it'll come right off. Nothing to write on? Alcohol swab. And the things you can clean with it? Your name badge, your stethoscope, IV ports, medicine vials, sat probes. And while you're at it, use it to bust open those glass ampules--and then be sure to use a filter needle--haha, Josh used to joke about giving injections with filter needles.) I think I love being a nurse. I need to get my RN. I am an LPN and the only difference I can see between LPN and RN is pay. I had a lady a while back ask me, "Are you an RN?" "No, I'm an LPN." "Well I'd like to speak to an RN." She came down the hall to talk to the RN...and proceeded to ask her about setting up an appointment to get her hair done at the beauty salon. Yes, because I'm just a stupid LPN, how could I POSSIBLY know how to set up a hair appt? Actually I don't, but I can run circles around lots of RNs I know. Corrected one today. A couple times. The one I remember was when she said that a guy had prn Klonipin for elevated blood pressure. I chimed in, "Clonidine." She said, "right." I am really enjoying blogging about nursing. I am smart. I have a lot of experience. I should probably be somewhere where my skills and knowledge can be put to better use. Haha. And here's my resume. And this is only a partial list of things I've done, things I know.

Kiss my ass.

2012-01-14T21:29:00.002-05:00

This song made me laugh.

Run Shithead Run.

2012-01-14T21:15:00.000-05:00

Friend emailed me the link to this song. Apparently this is to be my song for now. I need to run and not look back. And I am a shithead. LOL. She was right, it did make me feel better. Glad I bought those $11 speakers for my computer since my old ones died.

Got trouble behind you, he's on your tail
Better not flinch, better not fail
Don't look back
Don't look back
Don't look back
Don't look back
Don't

Run, run, run
Run shithead run
Run, run, run
Run shithead run
Go

Don't look back
Don't look back
Don't look back
Don't look back
Don't

Run, run, run
Run shithead run, run, run
Run shithead run

This really is my song right now.

2012-01-14T18:14:00.001-05:00

Feel like no one cares, no one understands, want to change my name, change the season, change where I live. Change something. Anything. My emotions are up and down and all over the place.

I'm not crazy.

2012-01-14T14:52:00.001-05:00

I'm just a little unwell.

Not used to these anxiety attacks. In nursing school when someone counted my respirations they were 8. EIGHT. If I had a patient with resps that low when I worked at the hospital, I'd be thinking about busting out the Narcan. I am that calm. Most of the time anyways. A little PMS and I might lose my cool. But this, this is unbearable. Frustrating. This is not who I am.

Productive.

2012-01-13T21:27:00.000-05:00

Had a nice productive night. Went to the bar with Shannen. Ran into my landlord and his girlfriend there. Dug my checkbook out of my glove box and paid my rent. Not getting evicted. Finally told them that I had separated from my husband. They want me to buy this house. I might. If there is any way that I can find, I just might do it. They say my house payment will be cheaper than my rent. Imagine, MY VERY OWN house. Jason and I owned three houses together, buy my OWN? Wow. That would be huge. It would mean I would have to stay here. I really don't want to go anywhere. So many changes in my life lately and this is where I have always wanted to be. I mean, the way I found this house was kind of magical in itself. I've probably told the story. Don't want to retell it right now. Will tell it later. I belong here. I ADORE this house. Felt good after a couple drinks. Went grocery shopping with Shannen and ran into my friend Charles there! Yay! I love him! Was so glad to see him. We used to work together but he quit. Was great to see him. His girlfriend just had a baby. She hadn't been due until February. That was exciting news. Turned out to be an okay day and a great night. Loving life.

Kids.

2012-01-13T18:01:00.000-05:00

I have extras over. Did I say my house was quiet? Not this afternoon it wasn't. My friend's daughter was throwing temper tantrums all afternoon. I kept telling her to mellow out. As horrible as it sounds, it was kind of soothing to me to see someone else acting out in the way that I had been feeling lately. It felt good to be in a good calm place where I could calmly tell her to "calm down, stop shouting, stop being dramatic." I love kids. They can act any way they want. No one calls them crazy for it, they're called kids. It's okay that they're crazy. I love their voices. I always wanted a house full of kids. I am missing some of mine. Half of mine. A daughter who died and two sons who are in a different state. My first three children. I have my youngest three children. I'm glad. I love when my seven year old boy sleeps in my bed. He is soft and snuggly and beautiful. I am blessed. I love being a mother. I may not have been the best mother lately but you can tell by what fabulous kids I have that I have been a good mother. Patient, loving. Those are my strong points when it comes to parenting. It takes a lot to ruffle my feathers. Guess a lot has happened to me lately because my feathers were really ruffled for a while there. Today I am an okay mother. I feel somewhat normal.

Katrina says...

2012-01-12T19:55:00.004-05:00

She says I'll be okay. Not right now, but I will be. We're talking about moving in together. I love her. I am open to all possibilities right now. Spokane would be driving distance from Jason and the other kids. Hmm. Not a bad idea. We'll see. Lots of jobs for me around Spokane. I have an Idaho nursing license and I'm pretty sure Washington is one of the compact states. And she lives right on the border of Idaho. I could work in either state... Hmmm. It would be crazy. But I am crazy. I'll sleep on it. I am the queen of crazy ideas. Katrina. Being near her would be fabulous. She says she'll help me raise the kids. Haha. I could use the help. But I already have Shannen for that. Jay had said he wanted to move to Idaho too. Shannen said no, absolutely not. I don't question her authority, she is the boss, trust me. Love her. I'm just confused right now. My life is in such upheaval. I hadn't even realized how vulnerable I was. Naive. I was married for 18 years. I don't know about dating. I don't know about scandalous, mischevious, devious men. I didn't know that men were like that. Or if they were, I thought you could tell. I thought I was a good judge of men. I picked a solid one before. Apparently I have lost my ability to judge men. I do need to stay away from them. I think I will. Katrina tells me that if you go without sex long enough you quit wanting it. God, I hope so. Because I want to not want it. I'm sorry, but I AM the horniest person you know. I've had lots of people say to me, "Sheesh, you act like a guy." Lord, I hope not. Not from what I've seen recently.

Entertained!

2012-01-12T18:39:00.002-05:00

Well, I lied. I am finding my life entertaining tonight! Hahahaha. Maybe I'll share details, maybe I won't. We'll see. Cuddled in Shannen's bed for hours, talked to Sarah, talking to Katrina now. Glad to have friends.

Stop. Delete. Edit. Rewind.

2012-01-12T18:08:00.002-05:00

Who me? Break down? Never. Doesn't sound like me. The me I know is strong. The me I know gives help, doesn't have to ask for it. Me? I smile and laugh and dance and sing. I don't cry and pout and shake and rage. That wasn't me. Coming back to myself. I am strong. I am happy. Nothing will keep me down. Change? How much? Sure, I guess I can handle it. Change in religion, change of state, change of employment, change of shift, change in schedule, change of marital status, change in the number of children I am raising, change in friendships. Change. I have said that I welcome it. I do. To a point. How much change can one person handle? A little stability might feel nice. And loss? Don't get me started. I have lost too much. I have had enough. No more change. No more loss. I can't do it anymore. Please Universe, let me start gaining things instead of losing them. Please, if there must be change let it be for the good, for the better. The only change I'm looking for is a change in how I feel. Want myself back. Smile. Laugh. Dance. Sing. That's what I want out of life. I managed a few performances at work today. Didn't know I was an entertainer? Then why are you reading this? I am an entertainer. I entertain myself. Lately I have not found my life very entertaining. This is exactly the reason that I do not watch movies or TV shows that are dramas. I do not read books about drama. There is too much of it in the world, why would I want to add to it or bring it to myself? No thanks. No more drama. No more heartache. Time to look up and move forward.

Shrinking.

2012-01-12T15:36:00.003-05:00

My household is shrinking. My circle of friends is shrinking. I don't know quite what to think about it. I feel lonely. My house feels quiet. I miss nights out with the girls at the bar after work. Wondering what comes next.

Being a nurse is hard.

2012-01-10T18:47:00.000-05:00

http://online.wsj.com/article_email/SB10001424052970204720204577128882104188856-lMyQjAxMTAyMDAwMzEwNDMyWj.html?mod=wsj_share_email

Dragon.

2012-01-10T11:37:00.002-05:00

The Dragon

The Dragon personality

The Dragon is a creature of myth and legend. A symbol of good fortune and sign of intense power, the Oriental Dragon is regarded as a divine beast - the reverse of the malicious monster that Westerners felt necessary to find and slay. In Eastern philosophy, the Dragon is said to be a deliverer of good fortune and a master of authority. Therefore, those people born in Dragon years are to be honored and respected.

THE SIGN OF THE DRAGON

The key to the Dragon personality is that Dragons are the free spirits of the Zodiac. Conformation is a Dragon's curse. Rules and regulations are made for other people. Restrictions blow out the creative spark that is ready to flame into life. Dragons must be free and uninhibited. The Dragon is a beautiful creature, colorful and flamboyant. An extroverted bundle of energy, gifted and utterly irrepressible, everything Dragons do is on a grand scale - big ideas, ornate gestures, extreme ambitions. However, this behavior is natural and isn't meant for show. Because they are confident, fearless in the face of challenge, they are almost inevitably successful. Dragons usually make it to the top. However, Dragon people be aware of their natures. Too much enthusiasm can leave them tired and unfulfilled. Even though they are willing to aid when necessary, their pride can often impede them from accepting the same kind of help from others. Dragons' generous personalities give them the ability to attract friends, but they can be rather solitary people at heart. A Dragon's self-sufficiency can mean that he or she has no need for close bonds with other people.

CHARACTERISTICS

Innovative
Enterprising
Flexible
Self-assured
Brave
Passionate
Conceited
Tactless
Scrutinizing
Unanticipated
Quick-tempered

THE FIRE DRAGON 1916 AND 1976

The Fire Dragon is a powerful force to be reckoned with. This is a Dragon doubled! The Fire Dragon can move from calm and collected to combustible in a matter of seconds. In some ways the Fire Dragon is his or her own worst enemy. These Dragons cannot help feeling they are valuable and all-knowing. When they are right their vehemence and vigor is an asset to the cause, and though they value objectivity, they do not always employ the best decision-making measures, and sometimes jump to the wrong conclusion. They also suffer from recklessness and quick tempers. Yet, when they do keep their temper, emotions, and rivaling spirit under control, they emanate a commanding influence on other people.

HEALTH

Dragons take thrilling risks and burn the candle at both ends so they are fortunate to be blessed with good health. Among the most hearty of the Animal signs, they can suffer bad health as a result of stress. Symptoms of their personalities often stem from emotional outbursts and can range from tension headaches to depression to hypertension. Dragons can remedy these problems by maintaining their cool, implementing a routine in their daily lives, and utilizing exercises such as yoga or tai kwon do that soothe the mind and spirit as well as tone the body.

AT HOME WITH THE DRAGON

Not the most domesticated of the Animal signs, Dragons may be more content out and about rather than at home. Nevertheless, with their imagination and artistic sense, they can enjoy decorating their home or anywhere else where their extravagance can be expressed..

THE DRAGON AT WORK

The Dragon's originality is the most impressive and outstanding of all his characteristics. The Dragon is quite imaginative and always able to see new paths where others may run into brick walls. Dragons are very adaptable and are fit for various occupations, especially if those occupations allow him to take the limelight. In any of these occupational situations, the Dragons will take a radical approach. Dragons work hard, but would rather give orders than receive them. They should avoid jobs that encompass too much routine, and should move toward jobs in which their self-reliance can be an asset.

FINANCE AND THE DRAGON

Dragons like to spend money and are charitable themselves as well as with others. They do not know the meaning of the word "accumulate," and making money does not intrigue them as it may others. Many Dragons will take big chances with their finances, sometimes betting on their shirt and losing it right off of their backs. Yet, they were born with the Midas Touch, and it very rare that a Dragon remains poor for long. Dragons will always be straightforward in financial dealings and can always be trusted.

Hobbies and Pastimes: Computer programming, public speaking, fossil hunting, astrology

Dragons Dislike: Taking orders, unnecessary bureaucracy, discounted ideas, people who don't give 100%

Mortal Enemy: Dogs (Haha. People born in the year of the dog, that is.)

IRRESISTIBLE ATTRACTION
People love Dragons so much because they are generous, charismatic, irresistible, and so brave that standing beside them banishes fear. They generate excitement and turn heads anywhere they go. They are free-spirited and impulsive and can help others achieve their dreams. Others love to be around Dragons because they have a way of making people feel better. Dragons are quick to fall in love, but do not surrender their independence easily leaving most of them to live life by themselves. Yet, a smart, witty, and funny companion may intrigue the Dragon long enough to make him want to get married. And once the Dragon becomes committed, he is unlikely to ever leave.

It's funny how...

2012-01-09T11:41:00.004-05:00

...I know that I would be there for someone who was having a crisis in their life like I am, but I feel guilty and fearful (like absolute dread) and embarrassed and horrified to have to ask someone for help. Anyone. I didn't know who to turn to. I called one person. She didn't answer. I called again. I left a message. Another name on my phone jumped out at me. She answered. She helped me. I am getting the help that I need. A tidal wave of emotional stress has just destroyed me. I'm embarrassed that I thought I was strong, but turned out to be weak. But I am smart enough and strong enough to seek help when I need it. I am going to get it. I've been to the doctor's office already. I have phone numbers to call. I have a prescription to take. I'll make it. I don't really know who cares about me. I know that it's not true, but I feel like no one cares. I feel like I spend all my time caring for others. Feeling bad to have to burden them, feeling bad for making them worry, feeling bad for harassing them, feeling bad for telling them how I feel, feeling bad for neglecting them because of what an emotional train wreck I am right now, feeling bad for being me. But what about me? I can't help that I am in a mess. The things that have happened in my life recently have done it to me. I didn't plan to get to where I am. I never dreamed that I would be where I am right now. But yet here I am. Here I am feeling rejected and neglected and embarrassed and horrified and in an absolute crisis in my life. And I just don't know who cares. I'm confused. I'm tired. I've been having panic attacks. I had to leave work. I can't lose my job. I can't stand to lose anything else right now. I feel like I am at rock bottom. The only way I can go is up. I'm just not sure how to get there. Today as I was passing meds and answering questions for a patient it occurred to me just HOW MANY PEOPLE RELY ON ME. My children, my friends, my patients. I am usually a safe harbor for others. Now I need a safe harbor and I don't know where to find one. Shannen. She has turned out to be my safe harbor. My protector. We were at the doctor's office. I told him I needed help, that I was scared for myself, that I was scared that I wasn't taking good care of my kids because of what a mess I was. He left the room. I said to Shannen, "He's going to call 911 and take my kids away." She said, "No he won't because I am here." No one messes with Shannen. She kept repeating it, "Don't worry because I am right here." Maybe I do know how to find support when I need it. I'm ashamed that I need help, but I'm proud that I have a friend who is willing to give it to me. I'm proud to have a friend who is so strong. I'll be okay.

'Nuff said.

2012-01-09T00:12:00.000-05:00

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/yashar-hedayat/a-message-to-women-from-a_1_b_958859.html

Me. Myself...

2012-01-08T23:00:00.002-05:00

...and I caught a glimpse of her today. She smiled, she laughed, she danced, she sang, she hugged, she kissed, she flirted shamelessly with the boys and patted the girls' behinds. Came up with all sorts of bad ideas. Said all sorts of inappropriate things. Yep. That is the Becky that I know. Glad she decided to make an appearance. I'm not usually crazier than anyone else, I just admit that I'm crazy so everybody knows it. I put it out here on my blog. I am usually fun-cookoo-bird-crazy. The past several days it was a different thing. It was frightening. And I don't scare easily. But here is the motto for my life, "Don't worry be happy." I'll be okay. I'll get it together. I'll figure things out. I'll come out the other side an even more amazing person (if that is even possible). Haha. I jest! See? I'm back.

This song is stuck in my head.

2012-01-08T04:51:00.000-05:00

Bridges.

2012-01-01T22:53:00.010-05:00

You can live under one I suppose.

You can admire them. You can build all different kinds.

You can cross them.

You can burn them.

Or you can just set fire to the rain.

Year of the dragon.

2012-01-01T20:30:00.005-05:00

I was born in the year of the dragon (and this totally looks like the kind of dragon I am).

Apparently 2012 is the year of the dragon. Maybe it will be my year after all. We'll see.

This would make a nice tattoo.

This soothes me.

2011-12-30T18:08:00.000-05:00

Struggle.

2011-12-28T18:35:00.003-05:00

My brother has said something to me twice. With quite a good amount of time in between. He told me, "It's good for you to struggle." He elaborated a little more this last time. He said, "People who get handed everything are miserable and do drugs and kill themselves." Huh. I would blog more about this subject, but my daughter is STRUGGLING to get me off the computer so she can play a game. Ah, struggles.

Old and New.

2011-12-28T17:22:00.005-05:00

Recent favorite song (I guess it's old, but I've just discovered it). Love it.

Old favorite that I heard a couple times on the radio recently. Both times I heard it I was driving in the same place, one time coming, the other going--and not in a place I usually drive. Thought it was a weird coincidence.

Nieces and Nephews.

2011-12-25T19:52:00.007-05:00

Here they are at my parents' house in Idaho. I'm kinda sad that my youngest niece has gotten so big and I think I've only met her once that I can remember. A year ago. She was tiny then.

Here is my lovely sister and my niece who was born the same year as my daughter Holly. They are beautiful.

My sister's daughter and my brother's sweet little son:

And I know you're not supposed to have a favorite, but come on...

How could you not adore that face? He was born two months after my youngest son. My youngest son was named after my brother, this boy's father. This little boy was named the name that I had originally picked out for my youngest. They actually look a lot alike, the two little boys born two months apart. I adore them.

Revisited.

2011-12-25T19:33:00.000-05:00

Happy Holidays.

This is how I know...

2011-12-24T23:30:00.003-05:00

...that I belong in New York... I noticed that my neighbor's blue Christmas lights on their garage are in the shape of a question mark. I wish I could take a picture. If only I could take care of cameras...

I am having a very happy holiday actually. My brother Danny came up from Brooklyn to see me. It was great. He took us all out to breakfast, he brought gifts for all of us. He is such a sweetheart. The boys had all kinds of fun play-gun-fighting with him last night. I love boys. They are smart as heck. I liked how my 7 year-old noticed at the diner that the little container of Hood creamer spelled pooH upside down. Kids. Apparently people can only take so much of them though. Danny thought about spending another night, but then told me "Actually, I'm not sure how much more I can take," as he looked sideways at the kids. Haha. At least HE was nice about it. My uncle was not so nice. My kids aren't huge fans of hanging at my aunt and uncle's house and they made it known when we were there yesterday. So today my uncle says, "When I was a kid, I just sat quietly and listened to the adults, I wasn't busy saying 'I wanna go home'". My uncle's goal in life is to figure out how he is/was better than everyone else. Oh brother. So speaking of brothers, my brother makes me laugh. He says the silliest things. Last night we were watching The Grinch and the Whos were partying. Danny said, "Who knows how to party? The Whos." Haha. So silly. Last night I met him at the train station and went for a drink at an Irish pub there. And the drinks were free for a "customer appreciation day". How lucky can you get right? And today I've been watching movies with the kids and snuggling them. I may not be the only mom who says this, but I think my youngest child is the most beautiful/darling/sweet little angel in the world. I loved having him fall asleep cuddled up against me. I love them all. Blessed. Happy. (And Maudie says I'm supposed to write, "I especially love Maudie.") Well, Santa Claus has already been here and pogo sticks and basketballs and stockings and whatnot are waiting for the kids in the morning. This is a great weekend. So glad I didn't have to work. And speaking of work--I am loving my new early morning shift. It is working out great. It's nice to see the kids more. Nice to get to know the people "on the other hall" better. Loving it.

Addicted.

2011-12-21T21:27:00.001-05:00

To music.
To love.
And other things.

Appropriately, I totally wear this lotion and body spray.

Where are you Christmas?

2011-12-20T19:32:00.001-05:00

This Christmas season has not exactly been a fabulous one. I feel so tired and stressed out and overwhelmed. Yes, I am cranky, I'm sorry. I haven't seen my oldest son in two months. I have not been able to pay my bills since sending Jason off with a bunch of money. I am behind, plus I have four kids who want everything under the sun for Christmas and will not get it. I do not have family to spend Christmas with (aside from the four kids, I guess it will be ok with just the five of us). So here is my song for this Christmas.

I usually love Christmas songs but this year I haven't even been listening to them. I am usually prepared way in advance for Christmas. I used to start my Christmas shopping in July. I used to be so prepared, so organized. I used to have someone to help me put the "santa gifts" out on Christmas Eve, but I won't this year. I feel so sad that my kids do not have their father around. I am so sad that I will not see my oldest boy on Christmas. Please have a little sympathy for what I'm going through and keep the drama out of my life. I don't need any extra. I am just struggling to make it through this holiday. For the first time ever in my life, I am looking forward to January. Please Christmas, come and go quickly. Leave me alone Christmas. I don't have time for you this year. I don't have energy for you this year.

I love this song.

2011-12-18T01:59:00.000-05:00

I LOVE Alison Krauss. I used to have this CD. I used to have lots of CDs. If I would step into this century, I guess I would have an Ipod or something...lol. But the next $100 I have in my hand has to go to my car insurance bill because my soon-to-be-ex-husband refuses to pay the ONE bill that we have together. It's ok though because my sister is my insurance agent and she put him on his own policy and paid some money on mine so it doesn't get cancelled. Whew. Close one. (Being poor sucks).

Here's more Alison Krauss. Her music makes me happy. :)

I used to have the O Brother Where Art Thou soundtrack too... I used to have a brain too. :)

Speak louder.

2011-12-15T01:51:00.000-05:00

It's hard to hear you from down here...

This is how I feel. Like I am walking underwater. Getting anywhere is difficult. I can't quite hear what's going on above the surface. Everything just feels so difficult right now. I am not splashing around in the shallow end, like Andy's blog used to tell me to do, I'm down in the deep end treading water. This comparison makes me think of different things. Like how Tom says that water in dreams symbolizes emotion. I am definitely under the weight of a lot of emotions right now. It also makes me think of the summertime and how I would love to just float in the pool with my arms stretched out and my eyes closed, with the sun shining on my face. Being in the water can't be all bad. Luckily I'm a pretty strong swimmer. (Ask my kids, they have long been in awe of how fast I can swim. I love to say, "let's race" and then kick their butts. lol) I'm not afraid of the water, I just don't want to be in it for too long. I'll wrinkle up like a prune.

The Color Purple. Slow Motion. Paying the Rent. Danny.

2011-12-12T09:06:00.002-05:00

Purple must be my color of the year. I made my Holiday card yesterday online and noticed that in most of the pics of myself I was wearing purple. Also have my favorite purple purse. Have this pic of my purple purse...with Jason's Glock sitting on it. That was taken on my trip to Washington in January. I wasn't going unarmed... Like I said back then, I had PMS and a gun--the Pacific Northwest was so in danger and didn't know it. lol. That was an awesome time. Driving by myself 7 hours each way. Sleeping in Katrina's bed, hanging out at her strip club, visiting her family who I hadn't seen in ages. Good times.

Slow motion. That's how I feel like I am moving lately. Feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders most days. Don't really wanna talk about it right now. Have talked about it plenty. Just will be glad if I can eventually feel light and free again. Like this:

I know it sounds weird, but I love paying my rent. Why? Because I get to drive up to Woodstock to do it. I have long loved Woodstock. I remember going there as a kid. I totally thought I was a hippie when I was a teenager and definitely thought I fit in in Woodstock then. This picture of Danny and I was taken near Woodstock. I know it was the same day that we had visited Woodstock. The pic was near the home of a childhood friend of my mom's. I love this pic. I love my baby brother. (And I'm hoping he'll come visit me for Christmas!)

And speaking of the love of my life, my brother Danny, I found some more pics of his apartment (stolen from his facebook page).

And he looks so cute sitting on the subway.

And playing his guitar (I totally stole this pic to put on my holiday card--I'm such a scandalous thief).

Friends.

2011-12-10T16:49:00.000-05:00

Jamie and I. Friends since first grade...

This NY friend of mine reminds me a lot of her.

Katrina and I. Friends since third grade.

This NY friend of mine reminds me a lot of her.

I miss these darling Idaho friends of mine...

Kristine.

And Evangelina (aka Evey).

I love my friends.

Meet Virginia.

2011-12-09T13:19:00.000-05:00

I love this song.

Look closer.

2011-12-08T13:15:00.000-05:00

"It's that horrifying moment...when you realize that your friend's fat arm makes you look naked in that office party photo." (In case it's too small to read).

Haha. Saw this on facebook and had to share on my blog. You have to read the caption and look a little closer...