I have actually felt pretty good the last few days. Instead of sleeping and crying (which I've been doing a lot of lately), I actually cleaned my house when I had a day off on Wed (and I have another one today, yay! what a nice surprise). And since working yesterday, I have felt a little glowing love towards my co-workers and patients--something I have not felt in a while. Feel a little like my normal, happy self. Maybe finishing clinicals at EIRMC helped. I'm not sure exactly what it was about clinicals there, but last week when I was there I started crying and couldn't stop. Luckily it was at post clinical conference, when we were supposed to be teaching new students how to use the glucometers--the girl I was supposed to teach was a friend of mine, so we chatted later and I had to tell her why I was crying. Then I FELT like crying this week when I went to clinicals. I don't know EXACTLY why, a few different reasons I guess. Anyways, I'm done there and I'm glad. I had nice preceptors and nice patients, but there were other issues, like the fact that I was getting the lowest grades in the class and I felt totally incompetent all the time. Couldn't even do things right that I do at work all the time. I guess I am just not a fan of working for free either. It's not the actual work, but the time away from other things, like my family and my paying jobs. Yeah, and I'm really needing money since my hubby now makes half as much money as he used to. Ya know, I actually had written a hardship letter to my mortgage company and had sent copies of all our bills along with our paycheck stubs, etc and did get a response. The problem was that I was burned out after faxing them our paycheck stubs about 4 times and fielding the same questions over the phone about 4 times, I just lost the energy to keep it up. I was supposed to fax paycheck stubs ANOTHER time and resend the hardship letter I had already sent out to like 8 different addresses (because when I just sent it to one months earlier, I never got a response) and I just never found the energy to do it. So we're still poor as church mice and still paying 10.375% interest on a second mortgage (we don't like to shop around and had thought "we'll just refinance pretty quick," then Jason lost his job). I have noticed one good thing about our credit going to crap...we don't get 50 pre-approved credit card offers in the mail every day--less junk mail for me to deal with! We actually were even on food stamps for 6 months--luckily that era is over at least. (Yeah, but not before losing my babysitter--the neighbor who FREAKED that I had mentioned that she babysat for me and I paid her when I applied for food stamps and she also freaked because I asked her if she was interested in getting licensed so I could get help from the state with daycare--a simple "no, thank you" would have been fine, but that was not what happened. Psycho. I really enjoyed being kicked while I was down...but I'm not bitter! I'm not holding a grudge! lol). I may not be able to pay all my bills on time, but I am able to buy my own groceries, thanks to Jason getting bonuses at work and my picking up a Friday shift in scheduling (which is growing on me--I like going back and stocking the ORs and sometimes getting a peek at a surgery that is going on, and ladies at the doctors' offices have actually been polite to me lately, instead of hateful...). Yep, things are looking up. I actually had a bunch of labs done last week and found that I have a low T4, so I am hoping that my doc will prescribe me some meds and I will have some more energy and not be such a space case all the time... That is if I can get ahold of the guy! (Been trying without success--and I don't have a lot of time to spend trying). Haven't even felt like moving away lately. I know that I have it good here--I love the people I work with, I like my jobs, I like having my mom/dad/gma/sisters, etc living close by. I like that our kids have lots of friends in the neighborhood and that we feel safe here. Not to mention that I have 2 of the best friends ever, Evey and Kristine. (And Kristine is having another baby, yay! I'm so excited!) Still hate the predominant religion here--but hope to someday get my point across to SOMEONE (anyone!) that I do not hate the people, I hate the religion. Yeah, still not a fan of Joseph Smith and his "polyandry" and all the other really yucky and sick things he did (Emma Smith has to be in Heaven after having put up with all the affairs he had "because God told him to"). And not a fan of the unrealistic expectations the religion places on the people (THE main reason I was not happy with it and started to get away from it. I stand by what I have said for years, that some of the reasons people are religious are these: fear (of what will happen after they die, etc), guilt (a feeling they are used to/feel comfortable with and get plenty of from religion), peer pressure (from family and friends) and low self-esteem (religion tells them that they are better than other people who do not live their religion). Someday, I'd like to start my own religion that has all the good stuff religion has to offer (because it does teach good morals and provides a great support system) and leave out all the crazy stuff and the close-mindedness and the prejudice against people who are not of the same religion, ETC!!! So that is my life lately. It feels good to blog. Haven't had the energy lately. Maybe I will get some things done today too...I have some beautiful sights in my house right now--a clean kitchen and the shelf in the bathroom is FULL of clean towels! However, I do not have the energy to proofread this blog, so sorry for any mistakes. :-)
P.S. I have pretty good neighbors too--and the one who I thought was a jerk and a liar was just in the newspaper, turns out he had stolen $81,000+ from our neighborhood account (a hundred households pay a water bill every month, was $20, then $30, then $40/mo). Everyone knew he was stealing money from the water board, but I don't think anyone would have guessed that much. That's a good Idaho Mormon for ya (there are plenty of great, wonderful Mormons here, but there are some scumbags--never seen so much white collar crime in my life!)
P.P.S. In my religion, people would go on missions to help the poor, work in homeless shelters, that kind of thing. My religion would be more about helping ALL people, not just "members of my church". I have noticed that the LDS church is helping needy people in other countries, went to help out when Hurricane Katrina hit, etc. But I don't think they care about helping anyone in their own communities who are not "members".
Sorry to have to share my views--don't think many people read this blog anyway (I'm posting it on Myspace too, where I actually do have a good following of friends and family). I think that Mormons get mad because they cannot separate themselves from their religion. If I don't like your religion, it does not mean I do not like YOU! I really need to take my name off church records. How do you do that? (sidenote. :-)

Why I love nursing.

I was doing clinicals at EIRMC the other day and had this awesome patient. He was a cute old(er) man with a lot of health problems. He had a procedure scheduled downstairs and I wasn't planning on going because I'd never been "invited" when my other pts have had procedures, but this time my nurse said, "don't you wanna go with your patient?" So I went. It was a 2 hr procedure which involved him eating some food with some contrast dye in it, then being x-rayed every 30 min for 2 hours to see how it was digesting. Boring. But that guy told me all about his very interesting life and I felt such an awesome connection with him. I loved being able to just sit there and talk with him and listen to him. He is the first person I have ever talked to who has had a near-death "out of body" experience (actually, he told me of about 4 or 5 different near-death experiences, but only one out of body one). The way he described it was so cool. It was an awesome start to Fall clinicals, which I had kind of been dreading. I had kind of a similar experience with my last patient of Summer clinicals. I didn't have to do a ton of charting and paperwork that day, so I just really enjoyed spending time with her and pampering her. She was so thankful for the time I spent with her and the help I gave. To me, this is the best part of nursing. Last weekend, I was also able to have some awesome conversations with a patient at work (where I get paid, lol) when I took him out for cigarette breaks. I really enjoy talking to people, finding out about them, and helping them out any way I can. I really love nursing.

Back to school!

Man, I couldn't wait for these kids to go back. They were doing nothing but fighting! Been home way too long. There is road construction everywhere around here, but I'm not too impressed with the genius who decided to have the main road to three different schools all torn up. Cars and buses were having to wait in long lines and then drive on the SHOULDER because both lanes were completely torn up. Yeah, good thinking. My Corey D just started middle school and it is so cute! He has a locker and everything. He started trying to go to bed at about 4:30 in the afternoon yesterday so he would be able to get up early for school today. Haha! What a goon. I talked him out of wearing his brother's old worn out hand-me-downs and into wearing a new shirt I bought him and some nicer jeans (still hand-me-downs, but not quite as scummy looking). He seemed so happy about having a locker. Now if he can just figure out how to unlock the lock! The girl at the locker next to his was so cute. She had a shelf for her locker (which I put in for her, she couldn't figure it out) and locker mirrors and a little plastic set of drawers that had candy and school supplies. So cute! I kept thinking "gosh, the parents look so young," because they're like my age, which does not seem old, but must be if we can have kids this old! And Maudie's teacher looked like one of the kids! Weird. My Jay-bear is in first grade now and all summer I kept saying to myself, "as soon as I have some time off I'll go over his ABCs and 123s with him." Well, that never happened. At least he has had Spongebob to teach him a few things. A while back I was making eggs and asked him "Can you get me a spatula? Do you know what a spatula is?" And he said "I sure DO know what a spatula is, because I watch Spongebob Squarepants! Spongebob is a VERY GOOD fry-cook!" Cute boy. Well, Corey is my only kid who does real well in school, so all of my kids should probably get used to the idea of being fry-cooks. Well, it's off to school for me next Monday. I've been pretty stressed, but for some reason I feel like I have this huge weight lifted off of me after taking the kids to school! I feel happier than I have all summer. Does that make me a bad mother? Does this? My 4 year old just asked to go to his friends house. I told him to come back in an hour. He said "no I want 7 hours," I said, "no an hour," he said, "no 7 hours," I said "how about 60 minutes?" He said "Ok!"

For richer or poorer, for better or worse.

Jason and I are going on 16 years of marriage and we have never been poorer than we are right now...but we've never had it better either. We have beautiful healthy kids, my parents help us out a ton, we have a nice house in a neighborhood where our kids can roam (never had that before), we like our jobs (I love mine, but I can't speak for Jason--I just know he doesn't complain much, so he must be liking working for my parents), we have great friends and neighbors (except the occasional one I feel a need to get all psycho about) etc! We are blessed...just not with money. And speaking of marriage, I have been so sad about Jon & Kate...can't believe people with 8 kids would give up that easily, but on the other hand Kate has shown a perfect example of how NOT to treat your husband! And speaking of celebrity couples, I saw Ben Affleck in a movie yesterday (Surviving Christmas, that movie is hilarious) and I was remembering when he was dating Jennifer Lopez and everyone called them "Bennifer". Then along came "Brangelina". If you mixed my name and my husband's you'd have Bason or Jecky. Nice. Now if I could only get him to quit playing his video game nonstop and pay attention to the kids and put the clothes in the dryer like I asked before they rot and get a job that makes a million bucks a year, life would be perfect!

For my sister.

I deleted my last blog just for my sister Marie. I also deleted a similar one on myspace just for her too. There is kind of a conflict between my wanting to express my opinions and not wanting to offend the people I love. Marie was getting pretty ticked. Censorship. Need to stick with that.

Neglecting this blog.

Don't think anybody reads it anyways, but here's a funny story for ya if you do drop by... I was having some tummy troubles from some antibiotics and I wrote a note to my little spanish speaking buddy Evey that said "Necesito Pepto-Bismol. Tengo diarrea." She crossed out the word "diarrea" and replaced it with "chorro." Then she told me a story about when she was talking about a mexican restaurant at work and another girl said "Whenever I eat there I get chorro." Another girl, who didn't speak spanish said, "Oh, that sounds good!" Ok, if diarrhea sounds good to you. Ha ha. (Chorro or choro? Evey wasn't sure... But it sounds like churros, so I can see where someone could get confused!)

Copy of my myspace blog. :-)

I'm supposed to "rest" to try to get over this horrible respiratory thing I've got going on. I went in again to see Corbin, he's a PA who works over at Redicare with me. I always sound like an idiot saying this, but seriously he is like the smartest guy I know. He teaches in the PA program at ISU, so I know he really stays on top of his stuff. He has what I call his "fan club". They are a bunch of patients who will only see him and no one else. They will call to see if he is in. They praise him like crazy. Last week a girl told me "Corbin saved my life, I came in and he knew right away that I had a blood clot in my lung from my birth control pills." (btw, I got this email a while back saying that this girl got blood clots in her lungs from Seasonique, so don't use it because you are not meant to skip periods--it's BS, all oral birth control pills put you at risk for blood clots, not just Seasonique...the one thing I remember from pharmacology--lol) Anyhoo--yeah, people love Corbin. New patients will be like "That guy is cool!" I tell him he's a superstar, so he asked me if he was supposed to go around saying "Superstar!" like in the movie (remember that movie with Molly Shannon--that's ancient now, huh?) Yeah, I work with some cool people. Blessed.
Got some beautiful kids too. I know you're not supposed to have a favorite, but you all know I do. My little boy Jay. He is just so precious. I adore all of my kids, but that one is just so loving and sweet and fun and cute! He was just asking me to go to his friends and telling me how it was short day at school so he got to come home right after snack time. So cute, my little kindergartener. So cute this morning getting ready for school, he loaded up his pockets with a couple of Hot Wheels and his MP3 player. He loves his little MP3 player. He pronounces it like "MP shree player". Can't pronounce it right, but loves it. Listens to all his rap/hip-hop that his brother loaded on there for him. He's the only kid I've got who is average or above average size too. My other kids are major shrimps, so I've got my 9 year old daughter and 6 year old son who are exactly the same size. Kind of funny. (Ok, Jay MIGHT be an half an inch shorter than Maudie...).
Happy about the fact that I'm going to live, have great co-workers, family, friends, but most especially--happy that I'm going to have next week off!!! Yay! I so need it! Hope I'll feel good enough to clean the house and do some projects. Yeah, Corbin told me to rest and the first thing I did was come home and wash dishes and clean my sink and counter... It needed it bad! Dying or not, no one else around here will wash dishes for me and if they do attempt it, I am never happy with the way they do them!